"My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready..."

God has been moving in very powerful, very tangible ways the last couple of weeks. It’s almost unreal, actually; just when I start thinking that the Lord has stopped, He shows me that there is always more!

Recently, I have been struggling with my identity; I realized I was buying into too many lies about myself, and living trapped in them. I was beginning to question my role here, my place in the community, friendships I have made, and whether or not I have anything to offer to others (I say that I was struggling with this recently, but in all actuality, I think it’s fair to say that it’s something I have dealt with all my life...). Things finally kind of came crashing down around me, and I realized (with the help of a healing retreat we attended here at camp) that I had some wounds that ran very deep as far as my identity was concerned, and I was in need of some healing.

If there’s one thing I have learned since the whole process of me coming to Covecrest started, it’s that God answers prayers—and often in radical ways! The healing retreat was the catalyst for a whole host of revelations through prayer and affirmation that have empowered me to stand in the light of Christ’s truth and live out my true identity—as God’s daughter, as Beloved—with strength and courage.

One of these revelations came through a moment of prayer during one of our days of missionary formation. I came to realize that God is calling me more to prayer—to let Him speak to my heart, to go deeper with Him and in Him. The Lord wants all of me. I feel like God is stretching me, but my habit of resistance makes the process more difficult, and puts me in danger of snapping. If I would release my hold and let Him stretch me, it would come gradually and without pain and make me stronger.

As I was praying about that, I had an image of myself going through the process similar to that of hand-blown glass. There’s a difference between a hand-blown glass vase and a glass bottle that comes from a factory. A glass bottle is functional—sometimes, with a good design, it can even be somewhat attractive—it will serve it’s purpose, it will hold things, and pour those things out. It is still a vessel. My heart up until now has looked a lot like that glass bottle; I can do the work God has set out for me on my own, without prayer. I can even be somewhat successful; I will lead a good life, and people will admire my work and thank me for all the good things I’m doing.

But the Lord desires to make me beautiful—to make me handcrafted artwork. There is pride in something handcrafted; skill is required. God wants to be the Master Craftsman in my life, to show me off, to make me unique. The Lord takes pride in His work; He wants others to wonder at the beauty of it and how He could make something so amazing. Something that is made from hand-blown glass is a vessel, just like that glass bottle is, but it is special, set apart; you don’t just bring it out for anyone to use. You take pride in it, and protect it to make sure it’s kept whole, intact, and beautiful. And in order for the artist to make that hand-blown glass, it needs to be pliable, moldable, heated in the furnace so that it can be shaped. I must continually put my cold, glassy heart in the furnace of prayer to make it warm and pliable and burning and vibrant—and only then can the Lord use it to its fullest potential.

I need to stop handing Him a glass bottle when He asks for my heart.

The Lord is continuing to mold me and shape me into His own; He is far from done with me yet! I feel like I am starting to more closely resemble the image of that beautiful vase made of hand-blown glass, as I am everyday required to plunge back into the furnace of prayer. I am being made for more, for a purpose that only God knows, but is revealing to me in time.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to discern God’s will for me. I’ll be flying to Germany on Wednesday to visit another Life Teen missionary friend of mine, and to discern whether or not I am called to join in with her mission of new evangelization next year. As always, I am praying for you out here in Tiger, GA, and would love to hear how God is moving in your life!