For those of you still reading this, thanks for sticking with me! If anyone is reading this for the first time, thanks for hopping on board! It's kind of a crazy ride, this life of mine, and I'm not promising radical new theological insights, just what's going on in my life of trying to become holy.
So, strap on your seatbelts and away we go for year 2 of blogging!
First things first: an update of what's been going on the last couple of weeks. After officially saying goodbye to the formation year at Covecrest with 4 nice, relaxing days at Navarre beach in FL (tropical storm notwithstanding), I headed back out to CA to spend 3 weeks catching up with family and friends before I jet-set off to Germany in the fall. It's been great to see everyone, to witness the dedication of Blessed Kateri's new church, and to start sharing the mission of what we're hoping to do in Germany. Being home has definitely had it's own sets of challenges, I'm not going to lie--some of which were completely unexpected. It has definitely proven to still be a time of growing and changing for me; sometimes, I wonder when God's going to let me have a break!
(The funny thing about the difficulty of changing and growing, though: even though it's hard, and sometimes I really do just want to stop, I know that's not the right answer. I'd like to quote a song by The Fray here: "Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing are the same." Ah, so true!)
I've really been learning a lot more about one key 5-letter word that I've never been the best at: TRUST. It's hard. And the real truth about why it's so hard, I think I'm discovering (or, really, admitting to myself) is because I'm scared. Plain and simple. I have really no idea about what I'm getting myself into. I don't even know if it's a good idea--I feel that it is, and I hope that it is, but it's another thing entirely to be 100% sure. Other people have mixed opinions about the whole mission thing, ranging from, "Oh, that's so great, I'm so glad someone is going to do something like that!" to, "Yeah, get all your traveling and such done while you're young," to "Why are you going away? Is it safe?" And all that gets jumbled together with all the other thoughts and prayers and hopes and ideas I have to make something rather...well, incomprehensible.
I mean, was it like this for Paul?
Is it ok to be scared of something you still believe is right? Can I still be a missionary if I don't do a very good job of being missionary? Where does that fit into the whole "perfect love drives out fear" idea? St. Paul talks very fearlessly about his mission, and while I wish I could be like that, the truth of the matter is I'm just not.
BUT (and here's where that trust thing comes in), God is faithful. And He is bigger than all of those things; all the questions, all the doubting, all the uncertainty. Frankly, I will never know the answers to some of these questions. And chances are, it might take me a long time to be able to articulate some of what I'm doing and what I believe to other people. But that's OK. Doesn't mean it's easy, and I'm learning to accept that as well.
Trusting is a choice. Every day for the past 2 weeks or so--and I'm guessing it's going to continue to be like this--I've had to wake up and say, "Alright, Lord, I'm going to trust you today. You are bigger." But I think if, at the end of the day, I can say:
"In the morning let me know your love for I put my trust in you. Make me know the way I should walk: to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies; I have fled to you for refuge. Teach me to do your will for you, O Lord, are my God. Let your good spirit guide me in ways that are level and smooth."
Well, then, we're getting somewhere.
I hope you're praying for me--know I'm praying for you! And it's not too late to get involved with the mission!
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