Question: What happens when two missionaries get lost in a foreign country with no map, a non-functional GPS, and no cell phone?
Answer: God does what He wills. (Alleluia!)
Last night, Amanda and I spent some time with all the fabulous folks from St. Tomas parish in Roermond (NL) for XLT. We had managed to get to the church no problem--even early, which is a feat in itself for us!--and counted it as a blessing from God, because we didn’t even have to turn around once. It was almost like our car was on auto-pilot to the church. Anyway, it was a great night: we prayed, we praised the Lord, Amanda shared her heart in her testimony, we sang, Jesus showed up in the Eucharist (!), and we got to know some of the teens and Core from the parish. God definitely moved--there was such a spirit of freedom while we were praying with everyone! After cleaning up and putting the church hall back together, Bernadette sent us home with some St. Nicholas candy (happy feast day!) and joy in our hearts.
After saying a prayer of thanksgiving for the night and asking for safe travels, we started driving home. Amanda and I were so excited on the way back--we were talking about how great it was to pray with everyone--and so we didn’t think much of the fact that we didn’t have directions for the way back home (we’re still trying to figure out the freeway system here…it’s not quite the same as navigating the freeways back at home). We trusted that God would get us home safely. And He did…eventually.
After several wrong turns, many variations of the question “do you remember this road at all?”, innumerable signs pointing to Venlo in all directions (still have no idea where it is), driving along the Belgian border for awhile (how many countries can you visit in one night? we’re up to 3 so far…), getting directions from a well-intending (albeit incorrect) group of Dutch men in a Burger King, a GPS navigator that could somehow only manage to say “make a U-turn now,” and 2.5 hours travel time for a trip that should have taken 30 minutes, I felt like I understood Psalm 139 in a whole new light: “my travels and my rest you mark; with all my ways you are familiar.”
When I first realized we were lost, I was frustrated. I was anxious--no, I was worried. How are we going to get home? What if we get in an accident? Do we have enough gas? It’s disconcerting to be in a completely foreign place, with no means of communication, having completely zero idea where you’re going, or how you’re going to get home. But even as I’m writing this, I’m realizing that last night’s adventure was a real-life example of what my spiritual life looks like, and how God is trying to teach me to trust more in Him--to trust only in Him.
At some moment along our journey (it might have been as we were sitting underneath a bridge in before-mentioned Venlo, realizing that REALLY, only God could get us home), God’s grace won over my humanness and I let go of all my worry. We were lost. There was nothing I could do about it but trust. Trust in the face of what seemed like an almost impossible situation. Trust even though it seemed crazy because we had nothing. Trust even though I had no idea where we would end up (maybe home? maybe Poland?), even though I was driving the car.
How many times have I prayed “God, what are you doing? Where am I going? How am I going to do this?” I don’t think I could count all of them--and it seems like the longer I live as a missionary, the fewer answers I have to those questions. But when I recognize that--when I admit that I don’t have anything, that I don’t know the way, or the why, or the how--and when I completely surrender to God, abandoning myself to Him in a way that seems like insanity, then I’m able to just enjoy the journey.
Amanda and I had a great conversation in the car. We were able to see a little bit of Belgium (and she got to read French, which she was excited about). We were able to witness in a very small way to the guys who gave us directions (”no, we’re not students, we’re missionaries…”). We learned a little bit more about what it means to “pray without ceasing” and to invoke the intercession of our guardian angels. And miraculously, just when we stopped needing it, the GPS started working and we ended up back at home with gas in the tank to spare. It’s amazing what God can do with a heart that gives Him the chance.
“Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!” (Psalm 27)
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Bereiten den Weg
“A voice cries out: In the desert prepare the way of the Lord!” (Isaiah 40:3).
Welcome to Advent, everyone (albeit a bit belatedly, but welcome all the same)! Advent is all about preparation; it’s a time the Church—in her infinite wisdom, guided by the Holy Spirit—has set aside for us to really reflect about how ready our hearts are to receive Christ, and to make them ready! Prepare the way of the Lord! We’re just about one week in, and I am really loving it so far. I’m noticing that God is moving in my heart in patterns similar to the way we celebrate His movement in His people as a whole during this season; I feel like I’m living Advent!
“Preparing the way” has been, and continues to be, a big theme for us here. The truth is, God has been working here, in this area, this community, long before we ever showed up; we just get to see how things are unfolding! And so our mission is one that works with and within God’s movement in this community. We have been entrusted with the task of being part of the preparation for the way of a Life Teen missionary presence here: to pray with and for the people we meet every day, to live a life of radical trust in the Lord, to invite other people into that life, to call people to go deeper in relationship with God, to be present to everyone and love them with the love of Christ. We’re not doing anything new as far as God is concerned; we’re just here, as St. Peter says, to “remind you of these things, even though you already know them [...] to stir you up by a reminder” (2 Peter 1:12,13). But we can’t just come in and DO—there is a lot of preparation, a lot of building, a lot of prayer, communication, and getting to know people, a lot of learning that is involved in this paving of the way.
I don’t know how much you know about laying paving stones—I’m not that familiar with the process myself, but I have been able to glean a little bit of information from my time spent at Covecrest (shout-out to Jason Ball—thanks for all your sidewalk-laying wisdom!). Paving a walkway is a meticulous process; it’s not just drop-and-go, you can’t just roll out a sidewalk in one day. First you have to get the bricks to the place you want to start laying them (ask anyone who worked on maintenance this summer at camp about how easy that is sometime). Next, you have to level out the ground where the walkway is going to be—and you have to be willing to re-smooth and re-level (with patience!) if someone happens to walk onto your path, not realizing you’re laying a walkway. Only then can you start thinking about laying the actual stones down (and by this time, most people are already sweating)! If you want to create a walkway with two straight, parallel edges, you also have to cut some of the stones to fit—and if you happen to have a curve in your walkway, there’s a lot of gradual filling in with little bits of stone to make it level and even. Every stone has to fit together just so, both for the structural integrity of the sidewalk and for aesthetics—you can’t just place stones willy-nilly wherever you want! Sometimes, this involves a painstaking process of going back over the sidewalk a second or third time to make sure the spaces where the stones meet are straight. Then there’s filling in, finishing touches, and—FINALLY!—you have a sidewalk.
Gosh. I’m tired just thinking about it!
In this process of our preparing—paving—a way here, I can sometimes feel rather like I’m doing it with a blindfold on; I can’t see where we’re going or what we’re doing, how much we’ve already done or how much still needs to be done. As a matter of fact, most of the time I don’t even know where the bricks are! Someone else (that would be God in this analogy) hands them to me and tells me where to put them—if I need to move a little to the left or right, if I need to cut some of the bricks in half, or shave off a little piece to make it fit. It’s hard to not know so much—and to realize that in the big scheme of things, my job is relatively unimportant. I’m just the manual labor! God has the vision and the plan, He has all the supplies and the knowledge of how to lay a walkway in the first place! He just needs me to do what He tells me, trusting that even if I don’t do it perfectly, He will come behind me and make all my crooked lines straight.
Thank you for your continued prayers as I prepare my own heart, so that I can better prepare the way, “...while from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears: ‘This is the way; walk in it,’ when you would turn to the right or to the left” (Isaiah 30:21).
Welcome to Advent, everyone (albeit a bit belatedly, but welcome all the same)! Advent is all about preparation; it’s a time the Church—in her infinite wisdom, guided by the Holy Spirit—has set aside for us to really reflect about how ready our hearts are to receive Christ, and to make them ready! Prepare the way of the Lord! We’re just about one week in, and I am really loving it so far. I’m noticing that God is moving in my heart in patterns similar to the way we celebrate His movement in His people as a whole during this season; I feel like I’m living Advent!
“Preparing the way” has been, and continues to be, a big theme for us here. The truth is, God has been working here, in this area, this community, long before we ever showed up; we just get to see how things are unfolding! And so our mission is one that works with and within God’s movement in this community. We have been entrusted with the task of being part of the preparation for the way of a Life Teen missionary presence here: to pray with and for the people we meet every day, to live a life of radical trust in the Lord, to invite other people into that life, to call people to go deeper in relationship with God, to be present to everyone and love them with the love of Christ. We’re not doing anything new as far as God is concerned; we’re just here, as St. Peter says, to “remind you of these things, even though you already know them [...] to stir you up by a reminder” (2 Peter 1:12,13). But we can’t just come in and DO—there is a lot of preparation, a lot of building, a lot of prayer, communication, and getting to know people, a lot of learning that is involved in this paving of the way.
I don’t know how much you know about laying paving stones—I’m not that familiar with the process myself, but I have been able to glean a little bit of information from my time spent at Covecrest (shout-out to Jason Ball—thanks for all your sidewalk-laying wisdom!). Paving a walkway is a meticulous process; it’s not just drop-and-go, you can’t just roll out a sidewalk in one day. First you have to get the bricks to the place you want to start laying them (ask anyone who worked on maintenance this summer at camp about how easy that is sometime). Next, you have to level out the ground where the walkway is going to be—and you have to be willing to re-smooth and re-level (with patience!) if someone happens to walk onto your path, not realizing you’re laying a walkway. Only then can you start thinking about laying the actual stones down (and by this time, most people are already sweating)! If you want to create a walkway with two straight, parallel edges, you also have to cut some of the stones to fit—and if you happen to have a curve in your walkway, there’s a lot of gradual filling in with little bits of stone to make it level and even. Every stone has to fit together just so, both for the structural integrity of the sidewalk and for aesthetics—you can’t just place stones willy-nilly wherever you want! Sometimes, this involves a painstaking process of going back over the sidewalk a second or third time to make sure the spaces where the stones meet are straight. Then there’s filling in, finishing touches, and—FINALLY!—you have a sidewalk.
Gosh. I’m tired just thinking about it!
In this process of our preparing—paving—a way here, I can sometimes feel rather like I’m doing it with a blindfold on; I can’t see where we’re going or what we’re doing, how much we’ve already done or how much still needs to be done. As a matter of fact, most of the time I don’t even know where the bricks are! Someone else (that would be God in this analogy) hands them to me and tells me where to put them—if I need to move a little to the left or right, if I need to cut some of the bricks in half, or shave off a little piece to make it fit. It’s hard to not know so much—and to realize that in the big scheme of things, my job is relatively unimportant. I’m just the manual labor! God has the vision and the plan, He has all the supplies and the knowledge of how to lay a walkway in the first place! He just needs me to do what He tells me, trusting that even if I don’t do it perfectly, He will come behind me and make all my crooked lines straight.
Thank you for your continued prayers as I prepare my own heart, so that I can better prepare the way, “...while from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears: ‘This is the way; walk in it,’ when you would turn to the right or to the left” (Isaiah 30:21).
Monday, November 23, 2009
Einladen
Let me tell you one thing about our life here: it’s amazing! God is continuing to show up in so many uncountable ways—I love it. Our life is about to become a whole lot busier (at least externally...I feel like we’ve been busy since we’ve arrived here!) in the next month or so, as God has given us a whole host of opportunities for reaching out and building community: a Core retreat for the team here in Süsterseel in November, an XLT at a parish in Roermond (NL), and two retreats for teens and young adults in December. We’ll also be spending some time with the Core teams from parishes in the Netherlands when Chris and Erik fly out in December—so excited to see some of our missionary family! There’s just so much, I could go on and on about all the ways God is providing us to be able to invite people into deeper relationship with Him.
This theme of invitation has come up consistently in our prayer (and more than once on my blog, ich glaube...). God is continuing to prove to us that all we can do is invite; nothing we could say, nothing we could do can inspire any conversion or change lives. Only God can change hearts. Our role is simply to say, “come and see.” But if nothing else, we’re learning that this posture of invitation has incredible results!
As I mentioned, we’re having a couple retreats for teens and young adults here in December—the Core is planning the Joyful Noise retreat for the teens, and Fr. Roland is preparing a silent retreat for young adults. Thanks be to God, we’ve had amazing response from teens who are signing up left and right to go! We’ve had to print out additional copies of retreat forms so that we can give them to more teens. One of the biggest glory moments for me came when one of the teens invited her friend from school to go on retreat with her. When we were talking about it in the Life Teen office the other day she said, “I’m a missionary!” with so much excitement in her face, it brought tears to my eyes (I think we startled her a little bit when we all shouted “Exactly! Yes, you are!” at the same time...). That’s what it’s all about! Little moments of invitation, one after the other, that lead up to more and more people saying “yes” to God and what He wants to do in their lives. (oh, and p.s. her friend is coming on the retreat. Further proof that sometimes an invitation is all you need...)
I think this section from our Rule of Life defines what this mission is all about:
“Life Teen Mission bases are welcome places—a place where people are refreshed, restored, revived, and experience God; where the focus is not to escape ‘normal life,’ but to pursue the face of God and encounter Him personally. [...] Our goal is to conform our lives to the ultimate mission of the Church, the Great Commission: ‘Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations’ (Mt 28:19). We are committed to teach young people about God’s loving plan of salvation, to empower them with prayer and the truths of the Church, and to launch them into God’s mission.”
That one moment with that one teen in the office renewed my excitement for this mission, where more and more people are feeling empowered to live a missionary life—something we are all called to do—and invite people into relationship with Him. God has been doing the work long before we got here; we’re just now getting the chance—the privilege!—to watch it all unfold.
This theme of invitation has come up consistently in our prayer (and more than once on my blog, ich glaube...). God is continuing to prove to us that all we can do is invite; nothing we could say, nothing we could do can inspire any conversion or change lives. Only God can change hearts. Our role is simply to say, “come and see.” But if nothing else, we’re learning that this posture of invitation has incredible results!
As I mentioned, we’re having a couple retreats for teens and young adults here in December—the Core is planning the Joyful Noise retreat for the teens, and Fr. Roland is preparing a silent retreat for young adults. Thanks be to God, we’ve had amazing response from teens who are signing up left and right to go! We’ve had to print out additional copies of retreat forms so that we can give them to more teens. One of the biggest glory moments for me came when one of the teens invited her friend from school to go on retreat with her. When we were talking about it in the Life Teen office the other day she said, “I’m a missionary!” with so much excitement in her face, it brought tears to my eyes (I think we startled her a little bit when we all shouted “Exactly! Yes, you are!” at the same time...). That’s what it’s all about! Little moments of invitation, one after the other, that lead up to more and more people saying “yes” to God and what He wants to do in their lives. (oh, and p.s. her friend is coming on the retreat. Further proof that sometimes an invitation is all you need...)
I think this section from our Rule of Life defines what this mission is all about:
“Life Teen Mission bases are welcome places—a place where people are refreshed, restored, revived, and experience God; where the focus is not to escape ‘normal life,’ but to pursue the face of God and encounter Him personally. [...] Our goal is to conform our lives to the ultimate mission of the Church, the Great Commission: ‘Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations’ (Mt 28:19). We are committed to teach young people about God’s loving plan of salvation, to empower them with prayer and the truths of the Church, and to launch them into God’s mission.”
That one moment with that one teen in the office renewed my excitement for this mission, where more and more people are feeling empowered to live a missionary life—something we are all called to do—and invite people into relationship with Him. God has been doing the work long before we got here; we’re just now getting the chance—the privilege!—to watch it all unfold.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Ich spreche nicht.
I find myself in a rather odd predicament as I’m writing this blog: I don’t know what to say.
Just to clarify, this is new and different. Words are a big deal for me. My life seems to revolve around saying things (or not saying them, or wishing they were said, or hoping someone will say them…etc.), and so I’m not exactly sure what to do with this feeling of being speechless. But I think that it’s good, and that God is actually trying to reveal a greater truth through this experience; in fact, it parallels what God has been doing here in my own heart lately.
First things first: living in Germany, there is a need for us to learn German. Yes, I know that seems like a rather obvious thing to say; but what I’ve realized is that while it’s one thing to sit in the Mission Academy and laugh about how silly it is to say random German phrases from Rosetta Stone out loud, it is quite another thing to go to the dentist while using your very limited German, or to try to withdraw money from an ATM that is all in German, or to try and be relational and minister when all you can say is “Wie geht’s?” “Wo wonnst du?” “Was machst du gern?” “Was isst du gern?” (translation: How are you? Where do you live? What do you like to do? What do you like to eat?)
I am in a continuous position of being humbled through realizing that there is so much I CAN’T say; not because I don’t want to, not because I’m afraid of offending someone, not because I’m not sure if the other person is going to be receptive to what I’m going to say…I literally just do. not. have. the. words.
As you might imagine, this frustrates me to no end.
There is so much I want to say! There are so many people I want to reach out to, and I just don’t know how!
Ah….here is the beauty of what God is teaching me.
I was praying about this the other day, and how frustrated I was with not being able to speak, to share, to talk, wondering why God would want to bring me to this place where I can’t say anything (!); and God just spoke into that (haha, “spoke,” I know…let’s just say he revealed it to me), reminding me that in all my discerning about coming here this year, in all of our prayer in preparing for this mission, in everything He’s been revealing to all of us regarding our presence here, there has never once been any mention of speaking. I’ve been so caught up in the frustration of not being able to speak, that I’ve been missing out on all the other ways God is asking me to reach out, to invite, to love. God wants to stretch and change my conceptualization of what it means to be missionary; learning how to fulfill the Gospel call to “go out to the ends of the earth and proclaim the Good News” without words.
I’m starting to realize that I’ve been exerting so much effort I didn’t really need to exert in the first place. I’ve been thinking and acting like any of this mission depends on me or my ability to share (in a speaking sense of the word) God’s plans, and that if I can’t speak, then the “real” mission hasn’t started yet. I’ve felt like I’ve failed in a lot of situations because of my lack of ability to speak. The beautiful truth of the matter, though, is that God is bigger than any words I could use to talk about Him, and that in this moment, He is calling me to be even more dependent on Him through my inability to use words—to point back to Him through my living and acting and BEING more than through anything I could ever say.
Jesus is the Light and the Truth.
It is Jesus who converts. It is Jesus who reveals. It is Jesus who speaks.
All I can do is turn back to Him, to live as best I can the truth He’s revealed to me. All I need to do is be loved by Him and to love in return—to hope in His promises, to walk in His freedom, and to be a vessel of that hope and freedom for others.
Just to clarify, this is new and different. Words are a big deal for me. My life seems to revolve around saying things (or not saying them, or wishing they were said, or hoping someone will say them…etc.), and so I’m not exactly sure what to do with this feeling of being speechless. But I think that it’s good, and that God is actually trying to reveal a greater truth through this experience; in fact, it parallels what God has been doing here in my own heart lately.
First things first: living in Germany, there is a need for us to learn German. Yes, I know that seems like a rather obvious thing to say; but what I’ve realized is that while it’s one thing to sit in the Mission Academy and laugh about how silly it is to say random German phrases from Rosetta Stone out loud, it is quite another thing to go to the dentist while using your very limited German, or to try to withdraw money from an ATM that is all in German, or to try and be relational and minister when all you can say is “Wie geht’s?” “Wo wonnst du?” “Was machst du gern?” “Was isst du gern?” (translation: How are you? Where do you live? What do you like to do? What do you like to eat?)
I am in a continuous position of being humbled through realizing that there is so much I CAN’T say; not because I don’t want to, not because I’m afraid of offending someone, not because I’m not sure if the other person is going to be receptive to what I’m going to say…I literally just do. not. have. the. words.
As you might imagine, this frustrates me to no end.
There is so much I want to say! There are so many people I want to reach out to, and I just don’t know how!
Ah….here is the beauty of what God is teaching me.
I was praying about this the other day, and how frustrated I was with not being able to speak, to share, to talk, wondering why God would want to bring me to this place where I can’t say anything (!); and God just spoke into that (haha, “spoke,” I know…let’s just say he revealed it to me), reminding me that in all my discerning about coming here this year, in all of our prayer in preparing for this mission, in everything He’s been revealing to all of us regarding our presence here, there has never once been any mention of speaking. I’ve been so caught up in the frustration of not being able to speak, that I’ve been missing out on all the other ways God is asking me to reach out, to invite, to love. God wants to stretch and change my conceptualization of what it means to be missionary; learning how to fulfill the Gospel call to “go out to the ends of the earth and proclaim the Good News” without words.
I’m starting to realize that I’ve been exerting so much effort I didn’t really need to exert in the first place. I’ve been thinking and acting like any of this mission depends on me or my ability to share (in a speaking sense of the word) God’s plans, and that if I can’t speak, then the “real” mission hasn’t started yet. I’ve felt like I’ve failed in a lot of situations because of my lack of ability to speak. The beautiful truth of the matter, though, is that God is bigger than any words I could use to talk about Him, and that in this moment, He is calling me to be even more dependent on Him through my inability to use words—to point back to Him through my living and acting and BEING more than through anything I could ever say.
Jesus is the Light and the Truth.
It is Jesus who converts. It is Jesus who reveals. It is Jesus who speaks.
All I can do is turn back to Him, to live as best I can the truth He’s revealed to me. All I need to do is be loved by Him and to love in return—to hope in His promises, to walk in His freedom, and to be a vessel of that hope and freedom for others.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Hide and Do Not Seek
We’ve had amazingly full days since we’ve been here in Germany; I’ve been a little surprised, actually. I think I expected to have to wait around more until things “got going.” Here’s lesson number one of missionary life: God does not wait. He wastes no time diving right in if you let Him! Part of the reason we’ve had such a full schedule, I’ve realized, is because we pray so much—praise God! (just for you Fr. Paul). I guess I never really noticed how much time we set aside for prayer when I was living at Covecrest last year; everyone did it, so it wasn’t as noticeable. But now that we’re living smack dab in the middle of a whole bunch of people who don’t necessarily pray in the same way we do, we have to do things like make a schedule (what? What’s that?), and our schedule is built around prayer. I’m so thankful for the foundation that was laid last year during my formation; I’m just now beginning to realize how important maintaining a rhythm of prayer is.
Which brings me to lesson number two of missionary life: it’s amazing how much God will reveal to you when you give Him the chance! God is just beautifully answering my prayer, in ways that I never expected; I think I’m getting rather used to hearing God’s voice (even if He sometimes says things I don’t understand…)! First of all, a little background information to give you some perspective:
Two things you should know about me: I have always described myself as a take-charge kind of person, and I tend to get anxious when I don’t know what’s coming or when I don’t have control over any given situation. With these two characteristics combined, I tend to get somewhat “grabby” in unfamiliar situations and try to grasp at things or people that are familiar so that I feel I have something that kind of resembles control. Now, God has really been working on these quirks of mine over the course of the last year of formation, and I’ve come a long way. It’s easier for me to trust God with the details (or even the big chunks!) of my life that I don’t know anything about, and I’m getting more and more used to taking the backseat while God’s driving and just enjoying the ride. Fr. Jean C.J. d’Elbee says in I Believe in Love, “I have often noticed that to reward an act of confidence, Jesus gives us the occasion to make an even greater act of confidence.” So, because of how much I’ve progressed, Jesus has gifted me with the opportunity to trust Him more fully, to die to self, and to let go of control (and even vision of the future) more and more. Thanks, Jesus.
Humanly, this is incredibly difficult for me. The more Jesus prompts me to let go of control, the more something inside of me fights to have control (doesn’t St. Paul talk about this somewhere? Always doing what you don’t want to do?). Some days, it takes a great deal of effort for me to wake up and say, “God, I love you, and I trust you today. I know that you have great plans for me. You have promised to give me life to the fullest, and I trust that what you promise, you will also do. Give me the grace to live that reality today!”
But what a beautiful way to live! It’s been amazing for me to see evidence of God’s love for me; all the small ways He is fulfilling me and fulfilling His promises to me in the small, ordinary events of the day. A small example: I’ve gotten really used to an hour of Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament every morning to start my day. It’s something that I look forward to (yes, even on the days when I want to sleep in) because I’ve realized how much I need to hear God speak to me. Now that we’re living in a place that doesn’t offer Eucharistic Adoration every day (although we’ve been able to go to Mass every day, a blessing in itself), I’ve really been missing my daily holy hour. So one morning before we headed to Mass in the Netherlands, I just prayed a quick little prayer that God would give me some time during the day to just sit with him and pray. So we get to the convent where Mass was scheduled for 11:00 and, wouldn’t you know it, there was Jesus, exposed in the Blessed Sacrament. And we had a holy hour with Exposition before Mass that day. Thanks, Jesus!
That’s just one very, very small example of all the ways Jesus is gifting me—almost spoiling me, in fact—in response to my waiting for him. I’m learning that the struggle of living a life of holiness isn’t in choosing between the good and the bad, but seeing the good and then waiting for the best, the fullest of what God has in store for me. God keeps telling me to wait, to keep waiting, for Him to reveal more of His plan for me—a plan that I could not even begin to conceive of on my own. And let me tell you, it’s looking mighty good from where I’m sitting!
“‘Come,’ says my heart, ‘seek God’s face’ [...] I believe I shall enjoy the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living. Wiat for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!” (Psalm 27: 8, 13-14).
“Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance” (Romans 8:24-25).
“Beloved, we are God’s children now; what we shall be has not yet been revealed” (1 John 3:2).
Which brings me to lesson number two of missionary life: it’s amazing how much God will reveal to you when you give Him the chance! God is just beautifully answering my prayer, in ways that I never expected; I think I’m getting rather used to hearing God’s voice (even if He sometimes says things I don’t understand…)! First of all, a little background information to give you some perspective:
Two things you should know about me: I have always described myself as a take-charge kind of person, and I tend to get anxious when I don’t know what’s coming or when I don’t have control over any given situation. With these two characteristics combined, I tend to get somewhat “grabby” in unfamiliar situations and try to grasp at things or people that are familiar so that I feel I have something that kind of resembles control. Now, God has really been working on these quirks of mine over the course of the last year of formation, and I’ve come a long way. It’s easier for me to trust God with the details (or even the big chunks!) of my life that I don’t know anything about, and I’m getting more and more used to taking the backseat while God’s driving and just enjoying the ride. Fr. Jean C.J. d’Elbee says in I Believe in Love, “I have often noticed that to reward an act of confidence, Jesus gives us the occasion to make an even greater act of confidence.” So, because of how much I’ve progressed, Jesus has gifted me with the opportunity to trust Him more fully, to die to self, and to let go of control (and even vision of the future) more and more. Thanks, Jesus.
Humanly, this is incredibly difficult for me. The more Jesus prompts me to let go of control, the more something inside of me fights to have control (doesn’t St. Paul talk about this somewhere? Always doing what you don’t want to do?). Some days, it takes a great deal of effort for me to wake up and say, “God, I love you, and I trust you today. I know that you have great plans for me. You have promised to give me life to the fullest, and I trust that what you promise, you will also do. Give me the grace to live that reality today!”
But what a beautiful way to live! It’s been amazing for me to see evidence of God’s love for me; all the small ways He is fulfilling me and fulfilling His promises to me in the small, ordinary events of the day. A small example: I’ve gotten really used to an hour of Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament every morning to start my day. It’s something that I look forward to (yes, even on the days when I want to sleep in) because I’ve realized how much I need to hear God speak to me. Now that we’re living in a place that doesn’t offer Eucharistic Adoration every day (although we’ve been able to go to Mass every day, a blessing in itself), I’ve really been missing my daily holy hour. So one morning before we headed to Mass in the Netherlands, I just prayed a quick little prayer that God would give me some time during the day to just sit with him and pray. So we get to the convent where Mass was scheduled for 11:00 and, wouldn’t you know it, there was Jesus, exposed in the Blessed Sacrament. And we had a holy hour with Exposition before Mass that day. Thanks, Jesus!
That’s just one very, very small example of all the ways Jesus is gifting me—almost spoiling me, in fact—in response to my waiting for him. I’m learning that the struggle of living a life of holiness isn’t in choosing between the good and the bad, but seeing the good and then waiting for the best, the fullest of what God has in store for me. God keeps telling me to wait, to keep waiting, for Him to reveal more of His plan for me—a plan that I could not even begin to conceive of on my own. And let me tell you, it’s looking mighty good from where I’m sitting!
“‘Come,’ says my heart, ‘seek God’s face’ [...] I believe I shall enjoy the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living. Wiat for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!” (Psalm 27: 8, 13-14).
“Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance” (Romans 8:24-25).
“Beloved, we are God’s children now; what we shall be has not yet been revealed” (1 John 3:2).
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Danielle the Explorer
The last time I blogged, I mentioned how much of a whirlwind our first day in Germany was; and it hasn’t stopped since! There has been so much to see, so much to do, so many people to meet, so much to pray about—I really don’t know where the day goes!
Over this past week, I’ve been amazed at how beautiful this place is, how fun discovering new things can be, and how much God has really gifted me with being able to be here. I feel like every day I’m in a new episode of that cartoon “Dora the Explorer;” we’ve done or tried something new every day! Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of what our time in Germany has been like so far:
Monday—All of us slept in (praise God!), trying to get the best of jet-lag from the get-go. I’m not going to lie, it was nice to sleep until noon ☺ The church bells woke us up and then Wendy (one of the teens who goes to Life Teen in Süsterseel) came to our house. She prayed mid-afternoon prayer with us (we kinda missed morning prayer…), and then she came grocery shopping with us. It turned out to be a good thing she was there, because we forgot that going grocery shopping in Germany involves reading labels in a different language—something we’re not entirely skilled at yet (we guess a lot). Wendy was more than willing to help, and the trip ended up being a live German lesson, with all of us asking “Was ist das?” a lot, and her rattling off another German word: “mütze” “kraüter” “jacke” “blumen” etc. All in all, it was a pretty successful trip.
Tuesday—Unpacking! We spent the day getting used to living in this house, moving things around, and generally starting to try and make a house a home. We’ve been so blessed with donations from all sorts of people—everything we have was given to us—but we’re still sort of half living out of suitcases. Today was also spent trying to figure out how to work the radiators in our house. We met Gaby and Regina, who work at the church in Süsterseel, to get to know them and to try and set up our German classes.
Wednesday—Bernadette and Monica (JJ’s mom and aunt—what a small world!) came over to the house to meet us and to talk and pray about what’s going on in youth ministry in this part of the world. It was so great to meet them; hopefully we’ll have lots more interaction over the course of the year! It was also great to meet a little bit of JJ’s family (thanks for sharing them with us, brother!) and see just how far God’s family reaches. It’s been really awesome to see how comfortable it feels to meet and pray with other people who are trying to grow in faith with God; it turns out, relationship with Christ really is a universal language! We all felt incredibly hopeful after we met; we all walked away with the feeling that GOD IS HERE! and I just can’t wait to see what else He’s got in store for all of us.
Thursday—Most of the day was spent praying and talking about what we received in prayer; we joined in the Life Teen holy hour a little early since there’s such a big time difference from here and the US. God moved in holy hour (of course!) and really confirmed a lot of what He’s already revealed in prayer about this community, this year of mission, and each of our hearts. We walked away from that feeling renewed and re-encouraged that what we’re doing is exactly what God has in mind for us. Thursday night is also a big night at the Life Teen office; we have open office hours starting at 5 pm, and then a Bible study that starts at 8 pm. It was really good just to be there and see some of the teens we’ll be journeying with this year—to connect through music (a universal language!), to talk about what it means to be a missionary, and to have some more German lessons ☺ We spent the majority of the night talking with a young man named Mark who is really interested in Scripture, and who faces a lot of opposition from some colleagues at work about his faith (keep him in your prayers!). Between his limited English and our limited German, we were able to have a really great conversation, dank sei Gott!
Friday—We spent the day in Aachen (a city close by) with our new friend, Rosa, who is from Mexico, lives in Germany, and speaks great English! We had a great Mexican lunch (go figure, smack dab in the middle of German countryside on the border of the Netherlands) and then went with her to see to her husband’s beehives and pick chestnuts. We spent the day talking about our conversion stories and how we’re all trying to be faithful to where God is calling us! She is going to be one of our prayer warriors here, I’m sure.
Saturday—We went grocery shopping again (things come in much smaller quantities here) and met Wendy’s parents at the grocery store. I can’t believe how many people we’re meeting so far! In a small town, news of new people travels fast; everyone knows who we are. We found out that our German classes start next week; we have a private tutor coming to the house until January, when we’ll start regular classes at a school. We spent some time in prayer discerning what to do for the Lifenight on Sunday; there was some schedule re-arranging and we’re running our first Lifenight in Süsterseel, “Meet the Missionaries,” tomorrow. All I can say is that our night involves the “Bunny Bunny” game and a pretty funny skit involving Sr. Mary Assunta. We also went to have dinner at Gaby’s house tonight, which was so great! She has some really awesome stories of places she’s moved with her husband, who’s in the military, and she just extended hospitality to us in an amazing way. Hopefully soon we can return the favor!
Phew! It’s a lot, I know. There’s been tons of meeting and greeting and praying and learning since we’ve been here, and God is not done yet! I’m excited at the thought of just having scratched the surface of how God wants to reveal Himself to us through this community, our prayer, and the exchange of hospitality with the people who we’re now living with. I could write a whole other blog about hospitality and it’s important place in this mission (hmmm, foreshadowing?). As the Life Teen Missions Rule of Life states, “Life Teen Mission bases are welcome places;” I think now, more than ever, I’m realizing that the posture of welcoming first starts in my own heart, and only then can I open up for everyone else. Thank you for all your prayers as I wait on the Lord and how He wants to move.
Over this past week, I’ve been amazed at how beautiful this place is, how fun discovering new things can be, and how much God has really gifted me with being able to be here. I feel like every day I’m in a new episode of that cartoon “Dora the Explorer;” we’ve done or tried something new every day! Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of what our time in Germany has been like so far:
Monday—All of us slept in (praise God!), trying to get the best of jet-lag from the get-go. I’m not going to lie, it was nice to sleep until noon ☺ The church bells woke us up and then Wendy (one of the teens who goes to Life Teen in Süsterseel) came to our house. She prayed mid-afternoon prayer with us (we kinda missed morning prayer…), and then she came grocery shopping with us. It turned out to be a good thing she was there, because we forgot that going grocery shopping in Germany involves reading labels in a different language—something we’re not entirely skilled at yet (we guess a lot). Wendy was more than willing to help, and the trip ended up being a live German lesson, with all of us asking “Was ist das?” a lot, and her rattling off another German word: “mütze” “kraüter” “jacke” “blumen” etc. All in all, it was a pretty successful trip.
Tuesday—Unpacking! We spent the day getting used to living in this house, moving things around, and generally starting to try and make a house a home. We’ve been so blessed with donations from all sorts of people—everything we have was given to us—but we’re still sort of half living out of suitcases. Today was also spent trying to figure out how to work the radiators in our house. We met Gaby and Regina, who work at the church in Süsterseel, to get to know them and to try and set up our German classes.
Wednesday—Bernadette and Monica (JJ’s mom and aunt—what a small world!) came over to the house to meet us and to talk and pray about what’s going on in youth ministry in this part of the world. It was so great to meet them; hopefully we’ll have lots more interaction over the course of the year! It was also great to meet a little bit of JJ’s family (thanks for sharing them with us, brother!) and see just how far God’s family reaches. It’s been really awesome to see how comfortable it feels to meet and pray with other people who are trying to grow in faith with God; it turns out, relationship with Christ really is a universal language! We all felt incredibly hopeful after we met; we all walked away with the feeling that GOD IS HERE! and I just can’t wait to see what else He’s got in store for all of us.
Thursday—Most of the day was spent praying and talking about what we received in prayer; we joined in the Life Teen holy hour a little early since there’s such a big time difference from here and the US. God moved in holy hour (of course!) and really confirmed a lot of what He’s already revealed in prayer about this community, this year of mission, and each of our hearts. We walked away from that feeling renewed and re-encouraged that what we’re doing is exactly what God has in mind for us. Thursday night is also a big night at the Life Teen office; we have open office hours starting at 5 pm, and then a Bible study that starts at 8 pm. It was really good just to be there and see some of the teens we’ll be journeying with this year—to connect through music (a universal language!), to talk about what it means to be a missionary, and to have some more German lessons ☺ We spent the majority of the night talking with a young man named Mark who is really interested in Scripture, and who faces a lot of opposition from some colleagues at work about his faith (keep him in your prayers!). Between his limited English and our limited German, we were able to have a really great conversation, dank sei Gott!
Friday—We spent the day in Aachen (a city close by) with our new friend, Rosa, who is from Mexico, lives in Germany, and speaks great English! We had a great Mexican lunch (go figure, smack dab in the middle of German countryside on the border of the Netherlands) and then went with her to see to her husband’s beehives and pick chestnuts. We spent the day talking about our conversion stories and how we’re all trying to be faithful to where God is calling us! She is going to be one of our prayer warriors here, I’m sure.
Saturday—We went grocery shopping again (things come in much smaller quantities here) and met Wendy’s parents at the grocery store. I can’t believe how many people we’re meeting so far! In a small town, news of new people travels fast; everyone knows who we are. We found out that our German classes start next week; we have a private tutor coming to the house until January, when we’ll start regular classes at a school. We spent some time in prayer discerning what to do for the Lifenight on Sunday; there was some schedule re-arranging and we’re running our first Lifenight in Süsterseel, “Meet the Missionaries,” tomorrow. All I can say is that our night involves the “Bunny Bunny” game and a pretty funny skit involving Sr. Mary Assunta. We also went to have dinner at Gaby’s house tonight, which was so great! She has some really awesome stories of places she’s moved with her husband, who’s in the military, and she just extended hospitality to us in an amazing way. Hopefully soon we can return the favor!
Phew! It’s a lot, I know. There’s been tons of meeting and greeting and praying and learning since we’ve been here, and God is not done yet! I’m excited at the thought of just having scratched the surface of how God wants to reveal Himself to us through this community, our prayer, and the exchange of hospitality with the people who we’re now living with. I could write a whole other blog about hospitality and it’s important place in this mission (hmmm, foreshadowing?). As the Life Teen Missions Rule of Life states, “Life Teen Mission bases are welcome places;” I think now, more than ever, I’m realizing that the posture of welcoming first starts in my own heart, and only then can I open up for everyone else. Thank you for all your prayers as I wait on the Lord and how He wants to move.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
It's official now!
Just in case you missed the memo...I'm also posting blogs on www.lifeteen.com/missions now. They're the same blogs that are posted here, but if it's easier for you to remember that URL, check it out. All the other missionaries will also be updating that site, so you can see what the other teams are up to.
Love you all!
Love you all!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Der Leib Christi
Hallo from Süsterseel! It’s been a whirlwind three days since we’ve been in Germany, and God has wasted no time in showering down His blessings on us. Dank sei Gott!
(Alright, that pretty much exhausts my German vocabulary at the moment. But, if all goes well, we should be starting language classes next week.)
There is so much to write about already! I’m going to have to break it up, otherwise everyone would be a little overwhelmed—pretty much how I felt when we first landed, actually. It was a little crazy when we showed up at Mass on Sunday night (after 10 hours total flight time with a 3-hour layover in London and an hour car-ride) and were asked to say something to the congregation—2 minutes after we walked in the door! Needless to say, we didn’t make the most articulate impression, especially considering our poverty where German language skills are concerned.
We were all really excited to be able to make it to Sunday Mass; we weren’t sure that was going to be a possibility with the way our travel was scheduled. But, by the grace of God, we made it on time, and I think it was God’s way of continuing to reveal to us exactly what our focus is going to be for this year of mission. While sitting in a completely foreign (in every sense of the word) church, not being able to understand any of the words of the prayers, trying to fumble through the sign of peace (“Der Friede sei mit dir”), God blessed me with the ability to see the beauty at the heart of the Catholic Church. The Mass is universal: the vestments are the same, the bells sound the same and they’re rung at the same time, the priest purifies the chalice the same way they do back home, and then folds up the corporal and kind of plops it on top of the pall like I’ve seen happen a million times before. Even the songs were the same (thank you, Matt Maher). And, most importantly: Jesus is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.
How beautiful. What a gift.
One of the Core members came up to us after Mass and said, “It’s very different here in Germany. Everything is different.” My response to him was, “Except Jesus. He’s here just the same.” That first Mass gave me a whole new perspective on what it means to be the Body of Christ—der Leib Christi—in a way that transcends time and space and borders and language. God is here, wherever your “here” is. I felt almost as if it were the first time I’d ever been to a Mass and really understood the significance of what was going on...I wonder if the first Apostles ever felt this way when they first journeyed into a new community after being with Jesus for so long, and finally getting it; all those questions of “Lord, what does this mean?” “Lord, what do we do?” “Lord, who are you?” finally being revealed in a more full way.
I have asked many of those questions myself throughout my life, and definitely as I was preparing for this mission year; I’ve come to realize that Christ in the Eucharist answers all of them.
“Lord, what does this mean?” : This means that God is truly at the heart of this mission; not just in spirit, but in actual, tangible reality.
“Lord, what do we do?” : What we are going to “do” is stay rooted in His love, especially as He’s revealed it to us through the Eucharist.
“Lord, who are you?” : God is love, revealed through the gift of Himself in what on casual glance can appear rather unremarkable.
God, let the anthem of this mission be: “Through Him, with Him, in Him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, for ever and ever. Amen.”
(Alright, that pretty much exhausts my German vocabulary at the moment. But, if all goes well, we should be starting language classes next week.)
There is so much to write about already! I’m going to have to break it up, otherwise everyone would be a little overwhelmed—pretty much how I felt when we first landed, actually. It was a little crazy when we showed up at Mass on Sunday night (after 10 hours total flight time with a 3-hour layover in London and an hour car-ride) and were asked to say something to the congregation—2 minutes after we walked in the door! Needless to say, we didn’t make the most articulate impression, especially considering our poverty where German language skills are concerned.
We were all really excited to be able to make it to Sunday Mass; we weren’t sure that was going to be a possibility with the way our travel was scheduled. But, by the grace of God, we made it on time, and I think it was God’s way of continuing to reveal to us exactly what our focus is going to be for this year of mission. While sitting in a completely foreign (in every sense of the word) church, not being able to understand any of the words of the prayers, trying to fumble through the sign of peace (“Der Friede sei mit dir”), God blessed me with the ability to see the beauty at the heart of the Catholic Church. The Mass is universal: the vestments are the same, the bells sound the same and they’re rung at the same time, the priest purifies the chalice the same way they do back home, and then folds up the corporal and kind of plops it on top of the pall like I’ve seen happen a million times before. Even the songs were the same (thank you, Matt Maher). And, most importantly: Jesus is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.
How beautiful. What a gift.
One of the Core members came up to us after Mass and said, “It’s very different here in Germany. Everything is different.” My response to him was, “Except Jesus. He’s here just the same.” That first Mass gave me a whole new perspective on what it means to be the Body of Christ—der Leib Christi—in a way that transcends time and space and borders and language. God is here, wherever your “here” is. I felt almost as if it were the first time I’d ever been to a Mass and really understood the significance of what was going on...I wonder if the first Apostles ever felt this way when they first journeyed into a new community after being with Jesus for so long, and finally getting it; all those questions of “Lord, what does this mean?” “Lord, what do we do?” “Lord, who are you?” finally being revealed in a more full way.
I have asked many of those questions myself throughout my life, and definitely as I was preparing for this mission year; I’ve come to realize that Christ in the Eucharist answers all of them.
“Lord, what does this mean?” : This means that God is truly at the heart of this mission; not just in spirit, but in actual, tangible reality.
“Lord, what do we do?” : What we are going to “do” is stay rooted in His love, especially as He’s revealed it to us through the Eucharist.
“Lord, who are you?” : God is love, revealed through the gift of Himself in what on casual glance can appear rather unremarkable.
God, let the anthem of this mission be: “Through Him, with Him, in Him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, for ever and ever. Amen.”
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I'm just a little girl
“I just want to be in your heart, I just want to be in your arms, moving ever closer to your heart.”
Miller was just playing that on the guitar (thanks, Miller!) as I’m sitting here in our converted classroom/conference room/office/lounge, and it beautifully sums up what I’ve been praying about this evening. I just want to love God. Really. That’s it. The more I know of God, the more I want to know of Him.
Sometimes I feel discouraged, because I know that I will never be able to love Him enough. But I think that I’m learning that there’s a beauty in that—learning that my imperfections somehow turn out beautiful in His eyes. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, and I would make something for my parents out of old strawberry crates, or macaroni noodles, or clay and beads (there were a lot of those); I don’t think anyone would necessarily call that art. But I had taken what I had and tried to turn it into something beautiful to give back to those who loved me first, and even though it was a far cry from beauty when compared to other things, my parents knew that my little hands and heart tried, and that was what mattered. Acts of love, no matter how imperfect, no matter how unpracticed, how unsophisticated, never go unnoticed. And just like there is something so beautiful and pure in a child handing you a page of multicolored scribble that they drew “just for you,” all of our little acts of love are gathered up by God and kept as keepsakes and treasures.
I want my life to be one big scribble-fest, a series of little art projects for my Father; and hopefully I can hand Him something new every day.
Miller was just playing that on the guitar (thanks, Miller!) as I’m sitting here in our converted classroom/conference room/office/lounge, and it beautifully sums up what I’ve been praying about this evening. I just want to love God. Really. That’s it. The more I know of God, the more I want to know of Him.
Sometimes I feel discouraged, because I know that I will never be able to love Him enough. But I think that I’m learning that there’s a beauty in that—learning that my imperfections somehow turn out beautiful in His eyes. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, and I would make something for my parents out of old strawberry crates, or macaroni noodles, or clay and beads (there were a lot of those); I don’t think anyone would necessarily call that art. But I had taken what I had and tried to turn it into something beautiful to give back to those who loved me first, and even though it was a far cry from beauty when compared to other things, my parents knew that my little hands and heart tried, and that was what mattered. Acts of love, no matter how imperfect, no matter how unpracticed, how unsophisticated, never go unnoticed. And just like there is something so beautiful and pure in a child handing you a page of multicolored scribble that they drew “just for you,” all of our little acts of love are gathered up by God and kept as keepsakes and treasures.
I want my life to be one big scribble-fest, a series of little art projects for my Father; and hopefully I can hand Him something new every day.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
God is moving among us
First off, an apology for this prolonged period of silence; time always seems to escape me here at Covecrest! I can’t believe I’ve already been here for 3 weeks; time seems to have fast-forwarded from when I left California. At the same time, there seems to have been so much packed into this small space of time that I’m just now starting to catch my breath. God (as is His way) is still showing me just how crazy and adventurous a life of following Him can be!
This year has already looked so different from last year, and it is so good! It’s been really amazing to see how God is moving within Life Teen Missions and forming it into something that is good and holy and faithful to His Spirit of mission. Having all the mission teams start out in one place and spend the month together is a decision that was infinitely wise; there is such a sense of unity and community among everyone, I think it’s just going to make all of us that much stronger and well-rooted. I feel like God is establishing us for great things this year.
Formation has also been completely different but so good (I feel like I keep saying this, but it’s true!); God knows His stuff about timing! I feel like I was really prepared last year so that I’m in a better place to dive deeper into formation this year, which is really all about diving deeper into God’s heart. We’ve spent a lot of time on different forms of prayer, but especially intercessory and discernment prayer, which we’ll use quite often in Germany! I’m hearing a lot of things for the second time, but everything has taken on a new meaning in conjunction with my experiences from last year.
So, in short, formation and training are going fabulously; keep praying for all of us on the mission teams from Covecrest, Mesa, and Germany!
God, of course, has also been working more specifically on my heart as well. Prayer is so much “easier” this year, and by that I mean that I’ve already done all the hard work of establishing a schedule of prayer, so I’m in a much better place to listen. Something I’ve really been praying about lately is waiting, and just what God means when He asks me to wait. At some point, I had this misconception that God is holding out on me when He asks me to wait for something; and underlying that was (I think) a fear that whatever He would give me “instead” of whatever it is that I wanted wouldn’t fulfill me as much.
God has spoken a lot of truth into that lie lately. In fact, God is a God of promises, and He keeps them. He promises to give us life to the fullest (John 10:10); we just have to realize that His definition of fullness is often a little different than ours. The revelation that I’ve had is that when God asks me to wait, it’s not because He’s holding out on me, but because He wants me to have the fullness of whatever it is that I’m asking from Him. His asking me to wait is, in fact, an invitation to draw closer to Him:
Come, so that I can give all these things to you, come without fear, come to receive, come because I love you, come with your whole heart, come so I can fill you.
Always come...come back...come again...keep on coming...come no matter what.
The beauty of this is that God is filling me, in ways that I never expected. Hm. There is truth to that old adage, “Good things come to those who wait,” after all...
Stay tuned for more on what God has been revealing specifically to the Germany team about our mission there! As always, send me your prayer requests, and know that I am so excited to journey through this year with each of you.
This year has already looked so different from last year, and it is so good! It’s been really amazing to see how God is moving within Life Teen Missions and forming it into something that is good and holy and faithful to His Spirit of mission. Having all the mission teams start out in one place and spend the month together is a decision that was infinitely wise; there is such a sense of unity and community among everyone, I think it’s just going to make all of us that much stronger and well-rooted. I feel like God is establishing us for great things this year.
Formation has also been completely different but so good (I feel like I keep saying this, but it’s true!); God knows His stuff about timing! I feel like I was really prepared last year so that I’m in a better place to dive deeper into formation this year, which is really all about diving deeper into God’s heart. We’ve spent a lot of time on different forms of prayer, but especially intercessory and discernment prayer, which we’ll use quite often in Germany! I’m hearing a lot of things for the second time, but everything has taken on a new meaning in conjunction with my experiences from last year.
So, in short, formation and training are going fabulously; keep praying for all of us on the mission teams from Covecrest, Mesa, and Germany!
God, of course, has also been working more specifically on my heart as well. Prayer is so much “easier” this year, and by that I mean that I’ve already done all the hard work of establishing a schedule of prayer, so I’m in a much better place to listen. Something I’ve really been praying about lately is waiting, and just what God means when He asks me to wait. At some point, I had this misconception that God is holding out on me when He asks me to wait for something; and underlying that was (I think) a fear that whatever He would give me “instead” of whatever it is that I wanted wouldn’t fulfill me as much.
God has spoken a lot of truth into that lie lately. In fact, God is a God of promises, and He keeps them. He promises to give us life to the fullest (John 10:10); we just have to realize that His definition of fullness is often a little different than ours. The revelation that I’ve had is that when God asks me to wait, it’s not because He’s holding out on me, but because He wants me to have the fullness of whatever it is that I’m asking from Him. His asking me to wait is, in fact, an invitation to draw closer to Him:
Come, so that I can give all these things to you, come without fear, come to receive, come because I love you, come with your whole heart, come so I can fill you.
Always come...come back...come again...keep on coming...come no matter what.
The beauty of this is that God is filling me, in ways that I never expected. Hm. There is truth to that old adage, “Good things come to those who wait,” after all...
Stay tuned for more on what God has been revealing specifically to the Germany team about our mission there! As always, send me your prayer requests, and know that I am so excited to journey through this year with each of you.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Words of Wisdom from The Beguines
BEATRIJS OF NAZARETH
The Power of Love:
Sometimes it happens that love is sweetly awoken in the soul and joyfully arises and moves in the heart of itself without us doing anything at all. And then the heart is so powerfully touched by love, so keenly drawn into love and so strongly seized by love, and so utterly mastered by love and so tenderly embraced by love, that it entirely yields itself to love. And in this it experiences a great proximity to God, a spiritual radiance, a marvelous bliss, a noble freedom, an ecstatic sweetness, a great overpowering by the strength of love, and an overflowing abundance of immense delight. And then she feels that all her sense are sanctified by love and her will has become love, and that she is so deeply immersed and so engulfed in the abyss of love that she herself has turned entirely into love. Then the beauty of love has bedecked her, the power of love has devoured her, the sweetness of love has submerged her, the grandeur of love has consumed her, the nobility of love has enveloped her, the purity of love has adorned her, and the sublimity of love has drawn her upward and so united herself with her that she always must be love and do nothing but the deeds of love.
HADEWIJCH OF BRABANT
The Humanity of Christ:
This is how everyone today loves themselves: they want to live with God in consolation, in wealth, and in splendor, and to share in the delight of his glory. We all wish to be God with God. But, God knows, there are few enough of us who want to live as men and women with his humanity or to bear his cross with him, and to be crucified with him in order to pay for the sins of the whole world...
Love's Maturity
In the beginning Love satisfies us,
When Love first spoke to me of love--
How I laughed at her in return!
But then she made me like the hazel trees,
Which blossom early in the season of darkness,
And bear fruit slowly.
The Power of Love:
Sometimes it happens that love is sweetly awoken in the soul and joyfully arises and moves in the heart of itself without us doing anything at all. And then the heart is so powerfully touched by love, so keenly drawn into love and so strongly seized by love, and so utterly mastered by love and so tenderly embraced by love, that it entirely yields itself to love. And in this it experiences a great proximity to God, a spiritual radiance, a marvelous bliss, a noble freedom, an ecstatic sweetness, a great overpowering by the strength of love, and an overflowing abundance of immense delight. And then she feels that all her sense are sanctified by love and her will has become love, and that she is so deeply immersed and so engulfed in the abyss of love that she herself has turned entirely into love. Then the beauty of love has bedecked her, the power of love has devoured her, the sweetness of love has submerged her, the grandeur of love has consumed her, the nobility of love has enveloped her, the purity of love has adorned her, and the sublimity of love has drawn her upward and so united herself with her that she always must be love and do nothing but the deeds of love.
HADEWIJCH OF BRABANT
The Humanity of Christ:
This is how everyone today loves themselves: they want to live with God in consolation, in wealth, and in splendor, and to share in the delight of his glory. We all wish to be God with God. But, God knows, there are few enough of us who want to live as men and women with his humanity or to bear his cross with him, and to be crucified with him in order to pay for the sins of the whole world...
Love's Maturity
In the beginning Love satisfies us,
When Love first spoke to me of love--
How I laughed at her in return!
But then she made me like the hazel trees,
Which blossom early in the season of darkness,
And bear fruit slowly.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sitting, and wishing, and waiting, and hoping
For those of you still reading this, thanks for sticking with me! If anyone is reading this for the first time, thanks for hopping on board! It's kind of a crazy ride, this life of mine, and I'm not promising radical new theological insights, just what's going on in my life of trying to become holy.
So, strap on your seatbelts and away we go for year 2 of blogging!
First things first: an update of what's been going on the last couple of weeks. After officially saying goodbye to the formation year at Covecrest with 4 nice, relaxing days at Navarre beach in FL (tropical storm notwithstanding), I headed back out to CA to spend 3 weeks catching up with family and friends before I jet-set off to Germany in the fall. It's been great to see everyone, to witness the dedication of Blessed Kateri's new church, and to start sharing the mission of what we're hoping to do in Germany. Being home has definitely had it's own sets of challenges, I'm not going to lie--some of which were completely unexpected. It has definitely proven to still be a time of growing and changing for me; sometimes, I wonder when God's going to let me have a break!
(The funny thing about the difficulty of changing and growing, though: even though it's hard, and sometimes I really do just want to stop, I know that's not the right answer. I'd like to quote a song by The Fray here: "Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing are the same." Ah, so true!)
I've really been learning a lot more about one key 5-letter word that I've never been the best at: TRUST. It's hard. And the real truth about why it's so hard, I think I'm discovering (or, really, admitting to myself) is because I'm scared. Plain and simple. I have really no idea about what I'm getting myself into. I don't even know if it's a good idea--I feel that it is, and I hope that it is, but it's another thing entirely to be 100% sure. Other people have mixed opinions about the whole mission thing, ranging from, "Oh, that's so great, I'm so glad someone is going to do something like that!" to, "Yeah, get all your traveling and such done while you're young," to "Why are you going away? Is it safe?" And all that gets jumbled together with all the other thoughts and prayers and hopes and ideas I have to make something rather...well, incomprehensible.
I mean, was it like this for Paul?
Is it ok to be scared of something you still believe is right? Can I still be a missionary if I don't do a very good job of being missionary? Where does that fit into the whole "perfect love drives out fear" idea? St. Paul talks very fearlessly about his mission, and while I wish I could be like that, the truth of the matter is I'm just not.
BUT (and here's where that trust thing comes in), God is faithful. And He is bigger than all of those things; all the questions, all the doubting, all the uncertainty. Frankly, I will never know the answers to some of these questions. And chances are, it might take me a long time to be able to articulate some of what I'm doing and what I believe to other people. But that's OK. Doesn't mean it's easy, and I'm learning to accept that as well.
Trusting is a choice. Every day for the past 2 weeks or so--and I'm guessing it's going to continue to be like this--I've had to wake up and say, "Alright, Lord, I'm going to trust you today. You are bigger." But I think if, at the end of the day, I can say:
"In the morning let me know your love for I put my trust in you. Make me know the way I should walk: to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies; I have fled to you for refuge. Teach me to do your will for you, O Lord, are my God. Let your good spirit guide me in ways that are level and smooth."
Well, then, we're getting somewhere.
I hope you're praying for me--know I'm praying for you! And it's not too late to get involved with the mission!
So, strap on your seatbelts and away we go for year 2 of blogging!
First things first: an update of what's been going on the last couple of weeks. After officially saying goodbye to the formation year at Covecrest with 4 nice, relaxing days at Navarre beach in FL (tropical storm notwithstanding), I headed back out to CA to spend 3 weeks catching up with family and friends before I jet-set off to Germany in the fall. It's been great to see everyone, to witness the dedication of Blessed Kateri's new church, and to start sharing the mission of what we're hoping to do in Germany. Being home has definitely had it's own sets of challenges, I'm not going to lie--some of which were completely unexpected. It has definitely proven to still be a time of growing and changing for me; sometimes, I wonder when God's going to let me have a break!
(The funny thing about the difficulty of changing and growing, though: even though it's hard, and sometimes I really do just want to stop, I know that's not the right answer. I'd like to quote a song by The Fray here: "Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing are the same." Ah, so true!)
I've really been learning a lot more about one key 5-letter word that I've never been the best at: TRUST. It's hard. And the real truth about why it's so hard, I think I'm discovering (or, really, admitting to myself) is because I'm scared. Plain and simple. I have really no idea about what I'm getting myself into. I don't even know if it's a good idea--I feel that it is, and I hope that it is, but it's another thing entirely to be 100% sure. Other people have mixed opinions about the whole mission thing, ranging from, "Oh, that's so great, I'm so glad someone is going to do something like that!" to, "Yeah, get all your traveling and such done while you're young," to "Why are you going away? Is it safe?" And all that gets jumbled together with all the other thoughts and prayers and hopes and ideas I have to make something rather...well, incomprehensible.
I mean, was it like this for Paul?
Is it ok to be scared of something you still believe is right? Can I still be a missionary if I don't do a very good job of being missionary? Where does that fit into the whole "perfect love drives out fear" idea? St. Paul talks very fearlessly about his mission, and while I wish I could be like that, the truth of the matter is I'm just not.
BUT (and here's where that trust thing comes in), God is faithful. And He is bigger than all of those things; all the questions, all the doubting, all the uncertainty. Frankly, I will never know the answers to some of these questions. And chances are, it might take me a long time to be able to articulate some of what I'm doing and what I believe to other people. But that's OK. Doesn't mean it's easy, and I'm learning to accept that as well.
Trusting is a choice. Every day for the past 2 weeks or so--and I'm guessing it's going to continue to be like this--I've had to wake up and say, "Alright, Lord, I'm going to trust you today. You are bigger." But I think if, at the end of the day, I can say:
"In the morning let me know your love for I put my trust in you. Make me know the way I should walk: to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies; I have fled to you for refuge. Teach me to do your will for you, O Lord, are my God. Let your good spirit guide me in ways that are level and smooth."
Well, then, we're getting somewhere.
I hope you're praying for me--know I'm praying for you! And it's not too late to get involved with the mission!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Things, they are a changin
As I sit here, on my last official night in this mission formation year, in that lull before the groups arrive for the weekend, I find myself becoming slightly sentimental (luckily, no tears...yet). In some ways, I feel like I'm back at the beginning of the year, and in so many other ways, I know that I'm in a completely different place. The result is this awkward deja-vu feeling, or like I'm doing the same thing in reverse: writing yet another mission letter, packing up all my things into two suitcases, getting ready to say goodbye to people I consider family. Crazy.
It's definitely a time of transition; hard, but necessary at the same time. I'm having a hard time with moving on from this place, but I'm also so excited for what's coming next. Thanks for hanging in there all year, and get ready for round two! Get ready Germany, Life Teen Missions is on its way!
Love to you all and God bless.
It's definitely a time of transition; hard, but necessary at the same time. I'm having a hard time with moving on from this place, but I'm also so excited for what's coming next. Thanks for hanging in there all year, and get ready for round two! Get ready Germany, Life Teen Missions is on its way!
Love to you all and God bless.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Camp Like a Champ
Hello from Camp Tepeyac!
It has been a crazy month of camp, but God is moving in big ways here. Glory!
If you’re wondering how this Covecrest missionary ended up in Prescott, AZ, there is a one-word answer: obedience.
Chris asked Carla and I a while ago how we felt about coming out to Tepeyac (one of Life Teen’s other camps in northern Arizona) for a month during the summer to help run camp; he had a vision of (in a nutshell) more closely unifying the camp experience across the country, of creating a stronger community, and providing more resources. That all sounded good, but I’ll be honest; my first reaction was, “Why me?” (Oddly enough, that seems to be my reaction to a few things God has thrown in my direction lately...) I really had no desire to come here; especially with this missionary year so close to the end, on a very human level I just wanted to be with the people I knew and trusted. That would have made things a whole lot easier.
But, as Chris said—and as I well know—the mission is bigger than how I feel. So, not particularly understanding why I was being sent out here, and feeling kind of lost because I wasn’t sure of my role here, I got on a plane with Carla about a month ago and flew across the country.
It’s been hard. Harder than I thought, actually. I have been stretched more in the past month than I expected; struggling to bring together a bunch of communities into something unified, to keep my prayer life primary, to open my own heart to a whole new group of people, to remain focused with Christ as the center.
The biggest thing I’ve learned this month (I think) is that all I can do is live faithfully—in freedom—what I know to be true. All I can do is be a witness. That is really what is at the heart of being a missionary—responding faithfully to the call of the Lord, living it out in freedom, and inspiring others to join by your witness. Preaching is empty without witness, and witness is forced (and fake) if not in freedom. Yes, it’s taken me almost a year to figure that out. I have spent too much time here burdening myself with things that are not mine to carry; I’ve had to come to the humbling (but freeing) realization that I am not what holds this place, this mission, this community together. I don’t even hold myself together! But I—we—are part of something infinitely bigger and more awesome than we could ever imagine.
That’s been the most beautiful thing to see here at Tepeyac: God is bigger than anything I am struggling with, than anything that doesn’t go as planned, than any obstacle that could stand in the way. There have been amazing transformations in the hearts of all the campers who have come here, and in the hearts of all the staff. In the midst of sickness (thank you for all your prayers!), crazy weather, bathroom and animal problems, physical exertion, exhaustion, and other things that come along with spiritual attack, God is victorious! In the words of the teens themselves:
“[This week], God showed me not to be afraid of being myself and to not be ashamed of praising Him.”
“All I know is that I came here with anger in my heart, and now all I feel is love for all things.”
“I want to just shine with the light of Christ by not giving up on living a virtuous life and shining this light on others.”
“My favorite part was ADORATION on the second-to-last day. It was very emotional, but for the first time I felt God’s presence just surrounding me!! It was just a phenomenal experience.”
“God is in Camp Tepeyac.”
“Fear not! Stand your ground, and you will see the victory the Lord will win for you today. The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still” (Exodus 14: 13-14).
It has been a crazy month of camp, but God is moving in big ways here. Glory!
If you’re wondering how this Covecrest missionary ended up in Prescott, AZ, there is a one-word answer: obedience.
Chris asked Carla and I a while ago how we felt about coming out to Tepeyac (one of Life Teen’s other camps in northern Arizona) for a month during the summer to help run camp; he had a vision of (in a nutshell) more closely unifying the camp experience across the country, of creating a stronger community, and providing more resources. That all sounded good, but I’ll be honest; my first reaction was, “Why me?” (Oddly enough, that seems to be my reaction to a few things God has thrown in my direction lately...) I really had no desire to come here; especially with this missionary year so close to the end, on a very human level I just wanted to be with the people I knew and trusted. That would have made things a whole lot easier.
But, as Chris said—and as I well know—the mission is bigger than how I feel. So, not particularly understanding why I was being sent out here, and feeling kind of lost because I wasn’t sure of my role here, I got on a plane with Carla about a month ago and flew across the country.
It’s been hard. Harder than I thought, actually. I have been stretched more in the past month than I expected; struggling to bring together a bunch of communities into something unified, to keep my prayer life primary, to open my own heart to a whole new group of people, to remain focused with Christ as the center.
The biggest thing I’ve learned this month (I think) is that all I can do is live faithfully—in freedom—what I know to be true. All I can do is be a witness. That is really what is at the heart of being a missionary—responding faithfully to the call of the Lord, living it out in freedom, and inspiring others to join by your witness. Preaching is empty without witness, and witness is forced (and fake) if not in freedom. Yes, it’s taken me almost a year to figure that out. I have spent too much time here burdening myself with things that are not mine to carry; I’ve had to come to the humbling (but freeing) realization that I am not what holds this place, this mission, this community together. I don’t even hold myself together! But I—we—are part of something infinitely bigger and more awesome than we could ever imagine.
That’s been the most beautiful thing to see here at Tepeyac: God is bigger than anything I am struggling with, than anything that doesn’t go as planned, than any obstacle that could stand in the way. There have been amazing transformations in the hearts of all the campers who have come here, and in the hearts of all the staff. In the midst of sickness (thank you for all your prayers!), crazy weather, bathroom and animal problems, physical exertion, exhaustion, and other things that come along with spiritual attack, God is victorious! In the words of the teens themselves:
“[This week], God showed me not to be afraid of being myself and to not be ashamed of praising Him.”
“All I know is that I came here with anger in my heart, and now all I feel is love for all things.”
“I want to just shine with the light of Christ by not giving up on living a virtuous life and shining this light on others.”
“My favorite part was ADORATION on the second-to-last day. It was very emotional, but for the first time I felt God’s presence just surrounding me!! It was just a phenomenal experience.”
“God is in Camp Tepeyac.”
“Fear not! Stand your ground, and you will see the victory the Lord will win for you today. The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still” (Exodus 14: 13-14).
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
It's Only Just Beginning!
Hey everyone; it's been super crazy around here with camp getting under full swing, which explains my lack of blogging for a while! So a quick update and then it's off to bed!
Camp is going GREAT so far! Everything's running more or less smoothly, the weather is nice (although a little more humid than I'm used to...) and the Summer Staff is AMAZING. Really. I have never loved more people more quickly than I do these guys. Covecrest will do that to you.
The thing that's taken the most getting used to for me is this whole new "role" that I'm finding myself in during camp. It's very different from anything that we've done this whole year, and it's kind of awkward for me, but (like most other things here that are kind of hard) really good. It's funny, because I've been praying lately for humility (if you ever get a chance, look up the Litany of Humility; it's pretty solid) and to really be littlein the eyes of the world, just really serving God in the little things. And, lo and behold, he gives me tons of opportunities to try and live into that. I'm learning, very slowly, how to offer up all the little things of my day for God's glory. And today, praise God, I had a victory!
So I was in charge of writing and directing the drama for camp this year, which was really fun at times and really frustrating at other times, especially when I felt that it was my only job--and a very small one at that--and that I wasn't doing it very well. Tonight, though, we heard a story about a man at camp here who hadn't been to Reconciliation in 40 years, who was moved by the drama, and decided to finally go to Reconciliation again this week.
WOW.
I can go home now. Camp can basically end. One person's life was changed, and it was through something that in the big scope of things was very small--except for the fact that it changed this man's life ETERNALLY. That's a big deal. I was really humbled tonight, because I was walking around, feeling useless and insignificant, while all the while, this great miracle is going on in this person's life. It just goes to prove something that Luke (one of the Summer Staffers) said tonight true: "It only takes two minutes to change someone's life" (OK, in this case, it was about 4 and a half, but you get the point); and that God really does move when you are doing small things with great love. Hopefully I can keep it up!
And the best part is, it's only day 3...
Camp is going GREAT so far! Everything's running more or less smoothly, the weather is nice (although a little more humid than I'm used to...) and the Summer Staff is AMAZING. Really. I have never loved more people more quickly than I do these guys. Covecrest will do that to you.
The thing that's taken the most getting used to for me is this whole new "role" that I'm finding myself in during camp. It's very different from anything that we've done this whole year, and it's kind of awkward for me, but (like most other things here that are kind of hard) really good. It's funny, because I've been praying lately for humility (if you ever get a chance, look up the Litany of Humility; it's pretty solid) and to really be littlein the eyes of the world, just really serving God in the little things. And, lo and behold, he gives me tons of opportunities to try and live into that. I'm learning, very slowly, how to offer up all the little things of my day for God's glory. And today, praise God, I had a victory!
So I was in charge of writing and directing the drama for camp this year, which was really fun at times and really frustrating at other times, especially when I felt that it was my only job--and a very small one at that--and that I wasn't doing it very well. Tonight, though, we heard a story about a man at camp here who hadn't been to Reconciliation in 40 years, who was moved by the drama, and decided to finally go to Reconciliation again this week.
WOW.
I can go home now. Camp can basically end. One person's life was changed, and it was through something that in the big scope of things was very small--except for the fact that it changed this man's life ETERNALLY. That's a big deal. I was really humbled tonight, because I was walking around, feeling useless and insignificant, while all the while, this great miracle is going on in this person's life. It just goes to prove something that Luke (one of the Summer Staffers) said tonight true: "It only takes two minutes to change someone's life" (OK, in this case, it was about 4 and a half, but you get the point); and that God really does move when you are doing small things with great love. Hopefully I can keep it up!
And the best part is, it's only day 3...
Friday, May 1, 2009
Discernment is Like Cajun Dancing
First of all, a preface: I have not written a blog in a long time. I know. So a quick update on what’s been going on here before I get into the main topic of this blog (this may or may not be in the proper order...it’s been awhile!):
--Ohio State brought a group of amazing students here for a week to serve and pray with us. It was really great to get to know them and to see God moving in their hearts. Even though they were only here a week, it felt like a part of the community left when they drove away! We miss you Buckeyes!
--We celebrated Easter (Alleluia!) at Covecrest with a bunch of our families. My family flew out from California to hang out here for a week; I was so excited! It was great to finally have everyone meet everyone else, for two groups of people who are immensely important in my life to come together. Thank you, Lord!
--Brother John Ignatius came for a week to teach the missionaries about Scripture; I learned more about the Bible in those 4 days than I’ve learned in the last 23 years of my life! He is amazing, and I basically love all of the Servants of Christ Jesus (all 2 of them...). Brother John the Baptist from the CFR’s (formerly known as Jeremiah) was also here for the week. It was great visiting with him and just seeing the witness of a super holy man.
--Covecrest hosted a women’s retreat, where a bunch of women from all over the country came and shared about God’s love in the Sacraments. It was so awesome to be a part of a bigger community of women, to pray with women, to talk to them...it was desperately needed! One of the added benefits from the retreat was a re-conviction in my own heart to fight for time together as women here at camp.
AND, summer camp is 5 WEEKS AWAY!!!!!
Phew! And now, we resume your regularly scheduled blog...
Here’s a little background about my experience with Cajun dancing: it’s almost nonexistent, except for the couple of times Alex has tried to teach me a thing or two. Now, Alex is a great Cajun dancer, and I (obviously) am not; but that hasn’t seemed to matter too much. I’ve discovered that in order to dance well, I just have to have a partner who can dance well and follow his lead. Alex rarely tells me what to do; a slight pressure here, a turn of the wrist or the foot, a guiding hand—these subtle movements lead me where to go next, moving me in ways that I would not have expected or been able to execute on my own. And if I allow myself to be led, then I dance beautifully, even if I really don’t know what I’m doing.
Discernment, as I’ve been learning over the last couple weeks, is really a lot like Cajun dancing. God is my partner, and He knows the steps far better than I do, although He is a very willing teacher. In this dance we’re doing, I really can only dance as well as I let Him lead me by those gentle, subtle motions. He rarely tells me what He wants me to do next; rather, He expects me to trust Him to lead me. Now, dancing requires movement from both partners—I have to be willing to move! I have to trust. It doesn’t mean that I have no agency or action; it’s just a different kind. It’s a following, a compliment to the movement that the leader is doing. Sometimes it looks better than others—there are times when my execution is flawless, when I am completely receptive and willing to follow, when I understand the movements and where to go next, and people look at me and say “Wow! What a natural!” There are other times when I just get the steps all wrong, despite every effort on His part to lead me where He wants me to go. That’s ok too; as the best partners do, He just makes up new steps around my jumbled ones, and no one can tell the difference.
I am slowly starting to figure out this whole dancing thing—literally and figuratively. I’m not super confident in myself, but I trust my partners unreservedly; I’ve seen just how good they are. And as long as I keep letting myself be led, I know I’ll dance beautifully.
--Ohio State brought a group of amazing students here for a week to serve and pray with us. It was really great to get to know them and to see God moving in their hearts. Even though they were only here a week, it felt like a part of the community left when they drove away! We miss you Buckeyes!
--We celebrated Easter (Alleluia!) at Covecrest with a bunch of our families. My family flew out from California to hang out here for a week; I was so excited! It was great to finally have everyone meet everyone else, for two groups of people who are immensely important in my life to come together. Thank you, Lord!
--Brother John Ignatius came for a week to teach the missionaries about Scripture; I learned more about the Bible in those 4 days than I’ve learned in the last 23 years of my life! He is amazing, and I basically love all of the Servants of Christ Jesus (all 2 of them...). Brother John the Baptist from the CFR’s (formerly known as Jeremiah) was also here for the week. It was great visiting with him and just seeing the witness of a super holy man.
--Covecrest hosted a women’s retreat, where a bunch of women from all over the country came and shared about God’s love in the Sacraments. It was so awesome to be a part of a bigger community of women, to pray with women, to talk to them...it was desperately needed! One of the added benefits from the retreat was a re-conviction in my own heart to fight for time together as women here at camp.
AND, summer camp is 5 WEEKS AWAY!!!!!
Phew! And now, we resume your regularly scheduled blog...
Here’s a little background about my experience with Cajun dancing: it’s almost nonexistent, except for the couple of times Alex has tried to teach me a thing or two. Now, Alex is a great Cajun dancer, and I (obviously) am not; but that hasn’t seemed to matter too much. I’ve discovered that in order to dance well, I just have to have a partner who can dance well and follow his lead. Alex rarely tells me what to do; a slight pressure here, a turn of the wrist or the foot, a guiding hand—these subtle movements lead me where to go next, moving me in ways that I would not have expected or been able to execute on my own. And if I allow myself to be led, then I dance beautifully, even if I really don’t know what I’m doing.
Discernment, as I’ve been learning over the last couple weeks, is really a lot like Cajun dancing. God is my partner, and He knows the steps far better than I do, although He is a very willing teacher. In this dance we’re doing, I really can only dance as well as I let Him lead me by those gentle, subtle motions. He rarely tells me what He wants me to do next; rather, He expects me to trust Him to lead me. Now, dancing requires movement from both partners—I have to be willing to move! I have to trust. It doesn’t mean that I have no agency or action; it’s just a different kind. It’s a following, a compliment to the movement that the leader is doing. Sometimes it looks better than others—there are times when my execution is flawless, when I am completely receptive and willing to follow, when I understand the movements and where to go next, and people look at me and say “Wow! What a natural!” There are other times when I just get the steps all wrong, despite every effort on His part to lead me where He wants me to go. That’s ok too; as the best partners do, He just makes up new steps around my jumbled ones, and no one can tell the difference.
I am slowly starting to figure out this whole dancing thing—literally and figuratively. I’m not super confident in myself, but I trust my partners unreservedly; I’ve seen just how good they are. And as long as I keep letting myself be led, I know I’ll dance beautifully.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Whirlwinding
So much has happened since I blogged last!
After a whirlwind trip to Germany (which I will get into more detail later, don’t you worry!), a ten hour flight back to Atlanta, and a two hour drive with 20 youth ministers on the crazy Covecrest bus, I showed up and immediately jumped back into life at camp: getting the chapel ready for Mass, helping to serve dinner, and praying with the folks here for Spring Training.
Welcome back!
Honestly, as crazy as it was to jump right back into the thick of things (all while trying to adjust to the time change!), Spring Training was awesome. It was great to have all the youth ministers here to share with us their blessings and struggles in ministry—many of which are the same we face as missionaries. It’s good to know that the young people in parishes all across the country are in such good hands; hands that are imperfect, yes, but striving for holiness nonetheless. I was filled with such hope for the Church, knowing that God is moving in powerful ways in the hearts of these youth ministers, and that He is just overflowing from them onto the teens they minister to.
Speaking of hope, I think that’s the word that best describes my experience while I was visiting Life Teen Suesterseel. The harvest is abundant, and the laborers are few! The beauty of that fact is that the harvest is abundant, which is something that only inspires hope for the future of the Church there. I really don’t know how to fully articulate everything that I experienced on my trip to Germany, but I think the chorus of this song says some of what I want to say:
“There is no one like our God!
Greater things are yet to come,
Greater things are still to be done in this city!”
I still don’t quite know what part I will play in the new evangelization that’s needed in that part of the world, but I know that great things are about to happen there. There is so much more that happened while I was there; I couldn’t even write it all down here. If you’re curious about some of those things, send me an email or give me a call and we can talk a little bit more about all that went on. I’m still processing, and I’ll be praying about Germany for a long time!
Thank you so much for your prayers for my trip, and please continue to pray for me as I discern where God is calling me next.
After a whirlwind trip to Germany (which I will get into more detail later, don’t you worry!), a ten hour flight back to Atlanta, and a two hour drive with 20 youth ministers on the crazy Covecrest bus, I showed up and immediately jumped back into life at camp: getting the chapel ready for Mass, helping to serve dinner, and praying with the folks here for Spring Training.
Welcome back!
Honestly, as crazy as it was to jump right back into the thick of things (all while trying to adjust to the time change!), Spring Training was awesome. It was great to have all the youth ministers here to share with us their blessings and struggles in ministry—many of which are the same we face as missionaries. It’s good to know that the young people in parishes all across the country are in such good hands; hands that are imperfect, yes, but striving for holiness nonetheless. I was filled with such hope for the Church, knowing that God is moving in powerful ways in the hearts of these youth ministers, and that He is just overflowing from them onto the teens they minister to.
Speaking of hope, I think that’s the word that best describes my experience while I was visiting Life Teen Suesterseel. The harvest is abundant, and the laborers are few! The beauty of that fact is that the harvest is abundant, which is something that only inspires hope for the future of the Church there. I really don’t know how to fully articulate everything that I experienced on my trip to Germany, but I think the chorus of this song says some of what I want to say:
“There is no one like our God!
Greater things are yet to come,
Greater things are still to be done in this city!”
I still don’t quite know what part I will play in the new evangelization that’s needed in that part of the world, but I know that great things are about to happen there. There is so much more that happened while I was there; I couldn’t even write it all down here. If you’re curious about some of those things, send me an email or give me a call and we can talk a little bit more about all that went on. I’m still processing, and I’ll be praying about Germany for a long time!
Thank you so much for your prayers for my trip, and please continue to pray for me as I discern where God is calling me next.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
“In quiet and in trust your strength lies” (Isaiah 30:15)
As I’ve spent the last couple days getting ready to fly out to Germany, it’s been difficult to suppress my very human reaction of fear. I found myself kneeling in Adoration a couple nights ago, thinking, “Oh, God, what am I getting myself into now?” I found myself questioning my trip, questioning the discernment that I’ve done up to this point, questioning God speaking in my life at all.
And, in His love for me, God has once again showed up to comfort me, despite the fact that I still struggle in the same things. During Lauds this morning, we read Psalm 77:
“Will the Lord reject us for ever?
Will he show us his favor no more?
Has his promise come to an end?
Does God forget his mercy or in anger withhold his compassion?”
No. He does not. His love and his promises endure forever, “to the thousandth generation.” And so...
“I remember the deeds of the Lord,
I remember your wonders of old,
I muse on all your works and ponder your mighty deeds.”
I have a new hopefulness as I start my journey today, and a renewed sense of trust in the Lord. He hasn’t led me astray since. I pray that this trip, although short, will prove this passage from Isaiah true:
“No longer will your Teacher hide himself, but with your own eyes you shall see your Teacher, while from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears: ‘This is the way; walk in it’” (30:20-21).
St. Therese, pray for us!
And, in His love for me, God has once again showed up to comfort me, despite the fact that I still struggle in the same things. During Lauds this morning, we read Psalm 77:
“Will the Lord reject us for ever?
Will he show us his favor no more?
Has his promise come to an end?
Does God forget his mercy or in anger withhold his compassion?”
No. He does not. His love and his promises endure forever, “to the thousandth generation.” And so...
“I remember the deeds of the Lord,
I remember your wonders of old,
I muse on all your works and ponder your mighty deeds.”
I have a new hopefulness as I start my journey today, and a renewed sense of trust in the Lord. He hasn’t led me astray since. I pray that this trip, although short, will prove this passage from Isaiah true:
“No longer will your Teacher hide himself, but with your own eyes you shall see your Teacher, while from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears: ‘This is the way; walk in it’” (30:20-21).
St. Therese, pray for us!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
"My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready..."
God has been moving in very powerful, very tangible ways the last couple of weeks. It’s almost unreal, actually; just when I start thinking that the Lord has stopped, He shows me that there is always more!
Recently, I have been struggling with my identity; I realized I was buying into too many lies about myself, and living trapped in them. I was beginning to question my role here, my place in the community, friendships I have made, and whether or not I have anything to offer to others (I say that I was struggling with this recently, but in all actuality, I think it’s fair to say that it’s something I have dealt with all my life...). Things finally kind of came crashing down around me, and I realized (with the help of a healing retreat we attended here at camp) that I had some wounds that ran very deep as far as my identity was concerned, and I was in need of some healing.
If there’s one thing I have learned since the whole process of me coming to Covecrest started, it’s that God answers prayers—and often in radical ways! The healing retreat was the catalyst for a whole host of revelations through prayer and affirmation that have empowered me to stand in the light of Christ’s truth and live out my true identity—as God’s daughter, as Beloved—with strength and courage.
One of these revelations came through a moment of prayer during one of our days of missionary formation. I came to realize that God is calling me more to prayer—to let Him speak to my heart, to go deeper with Him and in Him. The Lord wants all of me. I feel like God is stretching me, but my habit of resistance makes the process more difficult, and puts me in danger of snapping. If I would release my hold and let Him stretch me, it would come gradually and without pain and make me stronger.
As I was praying about that, I had an image of myself going through the process similar to that of hand-blown glass. There’s a difference between a hand-blown glass vase and a glass bottle that comes from a factory. A glass bottle is functional—sometimes, with a good design, it can even be somewhat attractive—it will serve it’s purpose, it will hold things, and pour those things out. It is still a vessel. My heart up until now has looked a lot like that glass bottle; I can do the work God has set out for me on my own, without prayer. I can even be somewhat successful; I will lead a good life, and people will admire my work and thank me for all the good things I’m doing.
But the Lord desires to make me beautiful—to make me handcrafted artwork. There is pride in something handcrafted; skill is required. God wants to be the Master Craftsman in my life, to show me off, to make me unique. The Lord takes pride in His work; He wants others to wonder at the beauty of it and how He could make something so amazing. Something that is made from hand-blown glass is a vessel, just like that glass bottle is, but it is special, set apart; you don’t just bring it out for anyone to use. You take pride in it, and protect it to make sure it’s kept whole, intact, and beautiful. And in order for the artist to make that hand-blown glass, it needs to be pliable, moldable, heated in the furnace so that it can be shaped. I must continually put my cold, glassy heart in the furnace of prayer to make it warm and pliable and burning and vibrant—and only then can the Lord use it to its fullest potential.
I need to stop handing Him a glass bottle when He asks for my heart.
The Lord is continuing to mold me and shape me into His own; He is far from done with me yet! I feel like I am starting to more closely resemble the image of that beautiful vase made of hand-blown glass, as I am everyday required to plunge back into the furnace of prayer. I am being made for more, for a purpose that only God knows, but is revealing to me in time.
Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to discern God’s will for me. I’ll be flying to Germany on Wednesday to visit another Life Teen missionary friend of mine, and to discern whether or not I am called to join in with her mission of new evangelization next year. As always, I am praying for you out here in Tiger, GA, and would love to hear how God is moving in your life!
Recently, I have been struggling with my identity; I realized I was buying into too many lies about myself, and living trapped in them. I was beginning to question my role here, my place in the community, friendships I have made, and whether or not I have anything to offer to others (I say that I was struggling with this recently, but in all actuality, I think it’s fair to say that it’s something I have dealt with all my life...). Things finally kind of came crashing down around me, and I realized (with the help of a healing retreat we attended here at camp) that I had some wounds that ran very deep as far as my identity was concerned, and I was in need of some healing.
If there’s one thing I have learned since the whole process of me coming to Covecrest started, it’s that God answers prayers—and often in radical ways! The healing retreat was the catalyst for a whole host of revelations through prayer and affirmation that have empowered me to stand in the light of Christ’s truth and live out my true identity—as God’s daughter, as Beloved—with strength and courage.
One of these revelations came through a moment of prayer during one of our days of missionary formation. I came to realize that God is calling me more to prayer—to let Him speak to my heart, to go deeper with Him and in Him. The Lord wants all of me. I feel like God is stretching me, but my habit of resistance makes the process more difficult, and puts me in danger of snapping. If I would release my hold and let Him stretch me, it would come gradually and without pain and make me stronger.
As I was praying about that, I had an image of myself going through the process similar to that of hand-blown glass. There’s a difference between a hand-blown glass vase and a glass bottle that comes from a factory. A glass bottle is functional—sometimes, with a good design, it can even be somewhat attractive—it will serve it’s purpose, it will hold things, and pour those things out. It is still a vessel. My heart up until now has looked a lot like that glass bottle; I can do the work God has set out for me on my own, without prayer. I can even be somewhat successful; I will lead a good life, and people will admire my work and thank me for all the good things I’m doing.
But the Lord desires to make me beautiful—to make me handcrafted artwork. There is pride in something handcrafted; skill is required. God wants to be the Master Craftsman in my life, to show me off, to make me unique. The Lord takes pride in His work; He wants others to wonder at the beauty of it and how He could make something so amazing. Something that is made from hand-blown glass is a vessel, just like that glass bottle is, but it is special, set apart; you don’t just bring it out for anyone to use. You take pride in it, and protect it to make sure it’s kept whole, intact, and beautiful. And in order for the artist to make that hand-blown glass, it needs to be pliable, moldable, heated in the furnace so that it can be shaped. I must continually put my cold, glassy heart in the furnace of prayer to make it warm and pliable and burning and vibrant—and only then can the Lord use it to its fullest potential.
I need to stop handing Him a glass bottle when He asks for my heart.
The Lord is continuing to mold me and shape me into His own; He is far from done with me yet! I feel like I am starting to more closely resemble the image of that beautiful vase made of hand-blown glass, as I am everyday required to plunge back into the furnace of prayer. I am being made for more, for a purpose that only God knows, but is revealing to me in time.
Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to discern God’s will for me. I’ll be flying to Germany on Wednesday to visit another Life Teen missionary friend of mine, and to discern whether or not I am called to join in with her mission of new evangelization next year. As always, I am praying for you out here in Tiger, GA, and would love to hear how God is moving in your life!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
What have they got that I ain't got?
“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provides you with that thirst for fullness that will not let your settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and fraternal.” (Pope John Paul II)
Thank you, JPII, for articulating exactly what it is I so often hope to say.
While I love this quote in its entirety, I especially love how he talks about “the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society...” I think this is really what this year is all about for me—or, at least, it informs a lot of what we do, and why we do it, and how.
I’ve never really thought about needing courage to be humble and patient before, but there was a very good reason JPII used that word (I mean, he was the Pope, after all; I think it’s safe to assume he’s got some things figured out!). So, why would he say that? Why would we need courage to be humble and patient?
Humility requires the courage to believe that someone else knows better than you. It requires trust—sometimes trust in a person you’re still not so sure of. Humility requires the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and still be able to say, “I am worth something,” while at the same time acknowledging that everyone else is as good as—better, even—than you. Courage is necessary if you are going to be truly humble in a world that says, “Look at me! Tell me all the good things I’ve done!” It means being willing to be overlooked, undervalued—manipulated even—all because you point to something greater.
You need courage for patience so that you don’t become discouraged when things don’t go your way, or don’t happen on time, or unforeseen circumstances pop up. You need courage to be patient in the face of other people telling you to give up, for ridiculing you for pursuing something of seemingly no (earthly) worth.
Courage is necessary for me to keep going every day, to look at myself and see where I lack, and to know what to do to fix it. Courage is knowing when to ask for help. Courage is not being afraid of failure, but embracing it as one step on the road toward perfection. Courage means knowing that I’ll never be perfect, but I’m going to try anyway.
I have a long way to go before I become truly humble or patient, but I feel like God is slowly re-forming my heart so that I am confident in being small, and excited about being unnoticed. It’s crazy, I know. So keep praying for me, because it’s going to be a long, hard journey, and I’ll need all the help I can get!
Thank you, JPII, for articulating exactly what it is I so often hope to say.
While I love this quote in its entirety, I especially love how he talks about “the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society...” I think this is really what this year is all about for me—or, at least, it informs a lot of what we do, and why we do it, and how.
I’ve never really thought about needing courage to be humble and patient before, but there was a very good reason JPII used that word (I mean, he was the Pope, after all; I think it’s safe to assume he’s got some things figured out!). So, why would he say that? Why would we need courage to be humble and patient?
Humility requires the courage to believe that someone else knows better than you. It requires trust—sometimes trust in a person you’re still not so sure of. Humility requires the courage to look at yourself in the mirror and still be able to say, “I am worth something,” while at the same time acknowledging that everyone else is as good as—better, even—than you. Courage is necessary if you are going to be truly humble in a world that says, “Look at me! Tell me all the good things I’ve done!” It means being willing to be overlooked, undervalued—manipulated even—all because you point to something greater.
You need courage for patience so that you don’t become discouraged when things don’t go your way, or don’t happen on time, or unforeseen circumstances pop up. You need courage to be patient in the face of other people telling you to give up, for ridiculing you for pursuing something of seemingly no (earthly) worth.
Courage is necessary for me to keep going every day, to look at myself and see where I lack, and to know what to do to fix it. Courage is knowing when to ask for help. Courage is not being afraid of failure, but embracing it as one step on the road toward perfection. Courage means knowing that I’ll never be perfect, but I’m going to try anyway.
I have a long way to go before I become truly humble or patient, but I feel like God is slowly re-forming my heart so that I am confident in being small, and excited about being unnoticed. It’s crazy, I know. So keep praying for me, because it’s going to be a long, hard journey, and I’ll need all the help I can get!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
“Remain in my love”
The last couple weeks, I’ve been praying about my identity in Christ—and, wouldn’t you know it, we’ve actually been talking about it in formation a lot too. A couple days ago, we talked about the fact that when God revealed Himself to Moses (and later on, when Jesus makes the most definite statements about who He is), he says “I AM,” and not “I DO.” And that’s the same way God is calling me to form my identity—not as “I do,” but as “I am.”
So, I’ve realized that I do not want to be valued or loved for what I do, but for who I am; not for things I say or tasks I can complete or roles I can fill. I want to be loved. And I realize that right now there is really only one person who can fit that bill. The only times my heart has been fulfilled in its desire to have someone say, “you are beautiful, and I love you, remain in me” have been when Jesus says that exact thing. It penetrates to my soul, it fills me up, it makes me beautiful and keeps me going.
“Arise my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!”
At the same time, I think if I want people to love me for who I am, I have to be willing to share that with others, to open my heart to the people I meet—not dodge the subject, not try to be funny, not talk about what I do because that what I think they want to hear—to unreservedly, unashamedly, unapologetically open wide my heart and invite others to look inside. I need to always return to the Lord for the answer to that question, “who are you?” I must constantly return to prayer. There will always be work, always opportunities to form community, but the real task is to rest in the fact that God is enough.
So who am I?
I am daughter.
I am bride.
I am loved beyond measure.
I am called to more: “let me see you, let me hear your voice. For you are sweet, and your voice is lovely.”
I am pursued.
Whenever I ask the Lord who I am, what I should do, His response is always, “Remain in me, remain in my love.”
May Jesus grant me the courage...
So, I’ve realized that I do not want to be valued or loved for what I do, but for who I am; not for things I say or tasks I can complete or roles I can fill. I want to be loved. And I realize that right now there is really only one person who can fit that bill. The only times my heart has been fulfilled in its desire to have someone say, “you are beautiful, and I love you, remain in me” have been when Jesus says that exact thing. It penetrates to my soul, it fills me up, it makes me beautiful and keeps me going.
“Arise my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!”
At the same time, I think if I want people to love me for who I am, I have to be willing to share that with others, to open my heart to the people I meet—not dodge the subject, not try to be funny, not talk about what I do because that what I think they want to hear—to unreservedly, unashamedly, unapologetically open wide my heart and invite others to look inside. I need to always return to the Lord for the answer to that question, “who are you?” I must constantly return to prayer. There will always be work, always opportunities to form community, but the real task is to rest in the fact that God is enough.
So who am I?
I am daughter.
I am bride.
I am loved beyond measure.
I am called to more: “let me see you, let me hear your voice. For you are sweet, and your voice is lovely.”
I am pursued.
Whenever I ask the Lord who I am, what I should do, His response is always, “Remain in me, remain in my love.”
May Jesus grant me the courage...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Putting down roots
This week was the youth minister’s retreat here at camp, and one of the first things we talked about in our small groups was the last time we truly felt joy in our lives. And wouldn’t you know it, I could honestly say that the last time I felt joy was yesterday.
After the 8 day retreat, I had kind of a hard time coming back into the “real world” (which is funny in itself; most people come to Covecrest to get away from the real world, but it’s what my real world consists of now...); it felt really jarring to come out of 8 days of silence and complete, intimate closeness with Jesus and to be thrust immediately into the work of preparing for groups to come in...I mean, literally, not four hours had passed before we were welcoming in buses full of teens. The last thing I wanted to do that day was serve; all I wanted to do was go back to the chapel and listen to Jesus talk to me again.
I immediately became frustrated with myself, because I thought I was so ready after the 8 day to enter back into the rhythm of life here at Covecrest; I felt like I was strong enough to serve joyfully, to pray without ceasing, to become a missionary exemplar, a saint-in-the-making, if you will. And I failed. Terribly. That first day back, all I did was complain, I didn’t pray until evening, I found community difficult. Ugh. Square one, all over again. And so the next few days found me spending time in the chapel or on a work project feeling incompetent, incapable—rather worthless, to tell the truth.
But I came to a realization through prayer yesterday: it really has nothing to do with what I do anyway.
Granted, this is not a new realization (I mean, I didn’t even cry for this one...), rather something that is being renewed in me every day I’m here. I’ve come to understand my life, my faith, in terms of how God views me, rather than how I view Him. Everyday life might be hard, but Jesus is constantly reminding me of His love for me. Underneath all my incompetence, my ineptitude, I hear His voice whispering to me, “Beloved, you are worth more.”
I am more than I think myself to be—not by any virtue of my own, but by His gaze, His touch, His deeming me worthy. Jesus loves me like no other. I still can’t really fathom it, understand it, or ever really return it completely. But I think I am beginning to understand what it means to love Jesus through my love of others. I know I fail (quite a bit), but I’m convinced that this is the next “step” on my journey toward holiness: learning how to perfect my love of others, which is really a perfection of my love for God. Pray for me—I’ll need a lot of help.
After the 8 day retreat, I had kind of a hard time coming back into the “real world” (which is funny in itself; most people come to Covecrest to get away from the real world, but it’s what my real world consists of now...); it felt really jarring to come out of 8 days of silence and complete, intimate closeness with Jesus and to be thrust immediately into the work of preparing for groups to come in...I mean, literally, not four hours had passed before we were welcoming in buses full of teens. The last thing I wanted to do that day was serve; all I wanted to do was go back to the chapel and listen to Jesus talk to me again.
I immediately became frustrated with myself, because I thought I was so ready after the 8 day to enter back into the rhythm of life here at Covecrest; I felt like I was strong enough to serve joyfully, to pray without ceasing, to become a missionary exemplar, a saint-in-the-making, if you will. And I failed. Terribly. That first day back, all I did was complain, I didn’t pray until evening, I found community difficult. Ugh. Square one, all over again. And so the next few days found me spending time in the chapel or on a work project feeling incompetent, incapable—rather worthless, to tell the truth.
But I came to a realization through prayer yesterday: it really has nothing to do with what I do anyway.
Granted, this is not a new realization (I mean, I didn’t even cry for this one...), rather something that is being renewed in me every day I’m here. I’ve come to understand my life, my faith, in terms of how God views me, rather than how I view Him. Everyday life might be hard, but Jesus is constantly reminding me of His love for me. Underneath all my incompetence, my ineptitude, I hear His voice whispering to me, “Beloved, you are worth more.”
I am more than I think myself to be—not by any virtue of my own, but by His gaze, His touch, His deeming me worthy. Jesus loves me like no other. I still can’t really fathom it, understand it, or ever really return it completely. But I think I am beginning to understand what it means to love Jesus through my love of others. I know I fail (quite a bit), but I’m convinced that this is the next “step” on my journey toward holiness: learning how to perfect my love of others, which is really a perfection of my love for God. Pray for me—I’ll need a lot of help.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Too Much
It has been a long time since I’ve blogged.
And there is just so much to write about.
I mean, really, I’m not quite sure where to start. I’m still decompressing a little bit from Mexico, Christmas break, and the 8-day silent retreat I just finished, which all took place in the last month or so. And, as I’m learning is the Covecrest way, we’ve hit the ground running after all that, with 2 groups here this last weekend, a drive down to one of the middle schools on Wednesday, the March for Life in a little over a week, and the youth minister’s retreat right after that.
I think at this point, I will just say that I am really grateful to have had the opportunity of a silent retreat, especially as the first thing we did to start the new year. At Covecrest, we’ve always talked about missionary activity that flows out of missionary prayer, and that was made a very evident reality through our 8 days of prayer on retreat. I am slowly starting to feel myself being formed in the identity of a missionary as someone whose whole life flows out of prayer, which is surprising and oddly empowering.
It’s not easy, but it’s so good.
God moved in mighty ways during the retreat—sometimes as powerfully tender, sometimes as confusing and enigmatic—it was beautiful and inspiring and amazingly transformative. I can hear the difference in how I talk and how I pray, in how I listen to what God is saying to my heart, in what I think about and what my goals for this year are (or continue to be). And I haven’t even begun to unpack and unravel all the things that I said, all the things that Jesus said back, and all the ways that I am now being called out to more. But, I know one thing: I cannot wait.
We were at St. Mary’s school yesterday, to follow up with a group of 8th graders we put on a retreat for a couple months back, and it was great to see how their hearts have been transformed. When we were leaving, one of the teens said to us, “Goodbye, keep doing what you’re doing, keep changing lives!” And it was awesome—it was so good to see him excited about his faith, claiming the change that’s gone on in his own heart. And it was great for him to recognize the work that we do. But at the end of the day, God is the one who changes hearts. And I just pray that our lives—my life—will speak that truth.
I am continually renewed and convicted about the truth of Jesus, the truth of His Gospel, the necessity to become my preaching (thank you, Pope Paul VI), the immediacy of the task at hand—to lead a life of evangelization, so that I point toward the Kingdom (I must decrease so that He may increase...).
The amazing thing is the reality that we’re invited to work in the vineyard—despite how many times we mess it up, how often we get frustrated, how often we make it about us instead of Him, how often we’re just plain wrong, He still wants us to be a part of it. And if that doesn’t humble me, I don’t know what will.
So this blog ended up being about a ton of things (I told you at the beginning, I had a lot to write about), and I’m not entirely sure what exactly I’m trying to say; thank you for journeying with me, for understanding that this is a growing process for me. As always, call me, write me, email me if you want to talk, need a prayer, would rather me blog about something different. I love you all.
And there is just so much to write about.
I mean, really, I’m not quite sure where to start. I’m still decompressing a little bit from Mexico, Christmas break, and the 8-day silent retreat I just finished, which all took place in the last month or so. And, as I’m learning is the Covecrest way, we’ve hit the ground running after all that, with 2 groups here this last weekend, a drive down to one of the middle schools on Wednesday, the March for Life in a little over a week, and the youth minister’s retreat right after that.
I think at this point, I will just say that I am really grateful to have had the opportunity of a silent retreat, especially as the first thing we did to start the new year. At Covecrest, we’ve always talked about missionary activity that flows out of missionary prayer, and that was made a very evident reality through our 8 days of prayer on retreat. I am slowly starting to feel myself being formed in the identity of a missionary as someone whose whole life flows out of prayer, which is surprising and oddly empowering.
It’s not easy, but it’s so good.
God moved in mighty ways during the retreat—sometimes as powerfully tender, sometimes as confusing and enigmatic—it was beautiful and inspiring and amazingly transformative. I can hear the difference in how I talk and how I pray, in how I listen to what God is saying to my heart, in what I think about and what my goals for this year are (or continue to be). And I haven’t even begun to unpack and unravel all the things that I said, all the things that Jesus said back, and all the ways that I am now being called out to more. But, I know one thing: I cannot wait.
We were at St. Mary’s school yesterday, to follow up with a group of 8th graders we put on a retreat for a couple months back, and it was great to see how their hearts have been transformed. When we were leaving, one of the teens said to us, “Goodbye, keep doing what you’re doing, keep changing lives!” And it was awesome—it was so good to see him excited about his faith, claiming the change that’s gone on in his own heart. And it was great for him to recognize the work that we do. But at the end of the day, God is the one who changes hearts. And I just pray that our lives—my life—will speak that truth.
I am continually renewed and convicted about the truth of Jesus, the truth of His Gospel, the necessity to become my preaching (thank you, Pope Paul VI), the immediacy of the task at hand—to lead a life of evangelization, so that I point toward the Kingdom (I must decrease so that He may increase...).
The amazing thing is the reality that we’re invited to work in the vineyard—despite how many times we mess it up, how often we get frustrated, how often we make it about us instead of Him, how often we’re just plain wrong, He still wants us to be a part of it. And if that doesn’t humble me, I don’t know what will.
So this blog ended up being about a ton of things (I told you at the beginning, I had a lot to write about), and I’m not entirely sure what exactly I’m trying to say; thank you for journeying with me, for understanding that this is a growing process for me. As always, call me, write me, email me if you want to talk, need a prayer, would rather me blog about something different. I love you all.
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