Really, I don't know how God puts up with me.
I say that in a completely "tongue in cheek" way, the way that mothers use when referring to their kids: "I don't know how I put up with them!" which really means: "I love the heck out of them!" (and I know that God loves me more than I could ever imagine...the real blog I was sitting down to write is actually about that).
As I was sitting down to write a blog about the mystery of God's love for me, I got sidetracked by reading my last few blogs; the most recent of which was all about being more like Mary and just saying "yes" to what God asks of me. I laugh at myself because I was just having a conversation last night about how my first reaction to everything that is different or scary or that will push me out of my comfort zone is an immediate "NO!"
I mean, really. It's always no. Picture conversations between God and I going something like this:
God: Danielle, I'm sending you to Germany.
Danielle: "NO! Absolutely not. No way."
Danielle, I know it's a little scary and it will be very different from everything you know, but it will be a good opportunity for you to grow into the woman I've created you to be.
"No. Really God, I'd just rather not. I'm comfortable where I am, and I just got here and got adjusted to my life, and I'd rather just do something else. No, thanks. The offer was nice though."
...Danielle, what are you so afraid of?
"You know, God, too many things for me to list off. Not knowing anybody, the language issues, being far away from everyone I love......
Danielle, do you trust me?
"I want to..."
Don't you know that I love you? Don't you realize that I want what's best for you? That I have a full, beautiful life prepared for you, and that this is part of it?
"Yes, of course I do. This just isn't what I thought it would look like."
Danielle, do you trust me?
"sigh You know, despite all the times I try and convince myself otherwise, yes, I do."
Will you let me lead you?
"Yes."
Well, you'd better pack warm clothes, then.
Eventually, I end up seeing reason and ultimately say yes to what God invites me to. But it's usually a process of months (sometimes, years...) to get to that point. The beauty is that God is patient with me, in a similar way that parents are patient with their children. I'm reminded of my little-girl obstinate insistence on referring to a cheeseburger as a "hamburger with cheese":
Danielle, what do you want for lunch?
"A hamburger with cheese."
You mean a cheeseburger?
"No, momma, I want a hamburger with cheese."
I had great intentions, and given my limited knowledge, that's a pretty good conclusion (if I do say so myself). But I still only knew part of the picture. Mom knew better (although it still baffles me why hamburgers are named that. Where's the ham?!), but she would let me call it a "hamburger with cheese" as long as I wanted, just like she would let me think a car was run by an octopus living inside of it (how else would all the wheels turn at the same time?). God does the same thing; he will let me call things whatever I want, or make whatever plans I want, or come to whatever conclusions I want -- smiling the whole time -- knowing that I will eventually trust what he tells me, even if it takes my whole life.
It's a good thing God's timeless.
